Aftermath
by SparkELee
Summary: It's been 2 weeks since the Code Black...The OR is not the same place it was before. Dr. Webber takes drastic actions... Those actions have consequences... Most likely DerMer, maybe not Definitely not ADDEK though
1. Chapter 1

Aftermath

OK so this is yet another new story for me, which brings the count toooooo 4 fics that I'm working on. (3 are GA, 1 is Gilmore Girls)

So here's the summary:

Two weeks after the Code Black and after Meredith watched two men blow up. Dr. Webber's OR is going to Hell in a handbasket. He decides to take action. But this action, well, lets just say we all know that actions have consequences, its just a matter of good or bad…

Chapter 1: Fix You

Dr. Richard Webber leaned on the railing a floor above the surgical ward, his bread and butter. His deep brown wise eyes surveyed his staff. He liked watching from up there. They didn't know he watched them. He knew much, much more than he ever let on….

He knew that Meredith Grey couldn't even walk within eyeshot of Derek Shepard without him noticing and following with his eyes.

He knew that Addison Montgomery-Shepard noticed every move Derek made when it came to the prodigal intern.

He knew it killed her just by her facial expressions alone.

What he _didn't_ know was why she wanted to be with someone who didn't want to be with her.

The same question could have been asked of his saintly wife Adele, except she just didn't know it.

But things weren't right down there. They hadn't been right in weeks. Meredith had been walking around, a shadow of her former self, barely able to perform the simplest of tasks. Her flock of friends had been following her around non-stop like she was Mary and they were her lost sheep. Only, she was lost, and they were trying to find her.

Meredith wasn't the only one who was having behavioral issues unfortunately. It seemed to be affecting the majority of his staff.

Derek had stopped following her with just his eyes in favor actually, physically following her around. He was never more than 20 feet away from her at any given point, thus making him first available to her should she need support. This new habit made it impossible for Derek to even think about operating on anybody and he'd actually started turning patients over to make this new obsession possible. Webber knew for a fact that Derek hadn't seen the inside of an OR in a week. Not a good thing.

To Meredith's credit, she'd largely avoided him, kept him at arm's length, which of course sucked Derek in even more because he knew it was his fault she was pushing him away.

Addison had seemingly stopped playing and was merely a spectator on the sidelines, waiting to be kicked out of the game. But she seemed determined to hang on as long as possible, and it appeared the only way to do that was to remain within earshot of all things involving Derek. She hadn't been up to the maternity ward since Derek had become Meredith's shadow. Instead, she'd laid it all on George and Izzie, making for two very harried, frustrated, tired interns.

Burke had lost 4 patients this week. An unheard of number to associate with death and Burke's name.

Cristina hadn't scrubbed into a surgery in a week. She hadn't asked and even went as far as to turn one down when asked to assist two days ago. She'd lost her fight, her passion.

Even Dr. Bailey, his personal favorite wasn't exactly right. She had the baby at home, Tucker was still recovering. She'd let up considerably on her crew and was barely monitoring her interns.

"I have to do something." He said to himself as he strode back to his office. He stopped at his secretary Ellen's desk. "We're going to call in a Psych Consult, things only seem to be getting worse. If I don't do it now, I'll lose my staff." He told her. "Why not just have the on site consult handle it?" She suggested.

"Wish I could. But this is beyond Dr. Bubb's abilites I'm afraid." He said with a sigh. "Who then?" She questioned. His eyes met hers and he paused before responding. "Erica Wakefield." He responded decisively.

Ellen's jaw dropped slightly before she snapped her jaw closed. "Are you sure?" She asked after a beat. "She's the best out there."" He replied. "That's two under one roof." She reminded him. "I know, but what choice do I have?" He asked helplessly as he headed towards her desk. She sighed and nodded, reaching for the phone to make the call that was about to seriously alter some lives.

FEEDBACK!


	2. Talk

Glad I've intrigued all of you…

You'll be finding out who Erica Wakefield is very soon. Think of the first 2 chapters as more of a setup…

On that note, I should go ahead and say that I own NOTHING except Dr. Erica Wakefield….

Aftermath

Chapter 2: Talk

Richard Webber was sitting in his office, debating the decision he'd just made. "God I hope I'm not stirring the pot." He muttered to himself, leaning forward in his desk chair, chin resting on his hand. There was a soft knock at the door. "Come in." He called out.

It was Ellen. "I made the call. Dr. Wakefield will be here Wednesday evening at 6 pm. She'll fly in and come directly here. I've arranged a rental car and a hotel." Ellen informed him. He nodded. "Thank you Ellen." He checked his watch. "5 pm. Staff meeting. Send the page. Everyone who was in anyway involved with the Code Black is required to be there. Conference room 2." He told her. She nodded and returned to her desk to send out the page.

Meredith was exiting a post op follow up exam when she got the page. "Staff meeting 5pm. Con.Rm 2." She read aloud off her pager. She looked up and into the eyes of the man she both loved and loathed equally. She raised her eyebrows at him. "Do you know anything about the page?" She asked as he fell into step with her. "No, I'm not privy to that information at the moment." He told her, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. "Derek, you're a surgeon, not a body guard." She said, slightly exasperated. "Yes, and what's your point?" He asked, crossing his arms in front of him.

She sighed heavily. "You haven't been in an OR in a week." She pointed out. "Yeah, and when was the last time you were in one?" He retorted. She didn't answer. "Meredith, have you scrubbed into a single surgery in the last 2 weeks?" He questioned. She shook her head no.

He stopped short, grabbing her by the arm in the process. He swung her around until she was face to face with him, inches away. "You haven't even been down that hall, have you?" He went on, his eyes holding her gaze, challenging her to pull away, to break the stare. But she did neither. For once, she actually gave him a straight answer.

"No, Derek. I haven't. I almost died. I watched two other people get blown to bits. Some people would call that traumatic." She snapped, her gaze narrowing, this time she was the one challenging him to make a comment, a remark, anything. He didn't.

Instead, he sighed and let go of her arm. She turned on her heel and took the long way around to the next patient. Derek waited about 15 seconds and followed. To the casual, outside, unknowing observer, it was almost comical. But Addison Montgomery-Shepard found it anything but comical. She stood motionless, her back against a wall. Slowly she let her eyes close and she sighed. More and more, he brain asked her exactly what she was still doing here. At this point in time, her heart had no comment.

**5 PM**

The chief was waiting for everyone in the conference room. As everyone filed in and filled in the spaces around him. Derek took a spot between Izzie and George once he saw that Meredith was sitting between Cristina and the wall. Addison was left standing two rows behind Derek. 'He didn't even attempt to find two seats together.' She thought miserably as she leaned her back against the wall. 'He hasn't asked me to leave….yet' She told herself. She'd just have to try harder, that's all.

"Listen up people, I know you're all busy and have patients to get back to, but that's what nurses are for. This is an important matter. I'm losing my OR people. I've been losing it since the Code Black. I know how traumatic this has been for you all. It impacted all of us greatly, some more than others, but if it affects one, it affects all. That being said, I've decided to bring in a Psych Consult. She'll be here in two days. Every single one of you will be required to see her at least once, or however many times she deems necessary. This is not optional folks. There are serious consequences for not following through on this. You don't go, you don't practice, simple as that. Are we clear?" Chief finished. Heads nodded all around the room. "Questions?" He asked. Cristina raised her hand. Dr. Webber sighed to himself. She always had questions. "Yes Dr. Yang?" He asked.

"Who is she? The consult?" She asked. Dr. Webber hesitated. His eyes briefly touched Derek. "Dr. Erica Wakefield. She's the best there is, if she can't fix you, consider yourself a lost cause." He said before striding out of the room.

Meredith's eyes happened to be focused in the general direction of the Shepards when the consult was announced. Derek's face lit up like an overly lit Christmas at the mention of Dr. Wakefield. 'Must be a family friend' she mused to herself. Her eyes drifted to Addison, expecting a similar response. She was shocked when she saw that Addion's response was the farthest thing from elated. Truth be told, she looked downright livid.

Meredith sucked in a breath. Who was this woman who could cause such different reactions in two people…?

Hope you're enjoying! I've already gotten next chapter written up! Keep reviewing and you'll find out next chapter who Erica Wakefield is!


	3. Twenty Years and Two Husbands Ago

OK, so this is a bit of an explanation:

For the purposes of this story, this is what I've come up with:

Derek and Meredith are 10 years apart in age. She's 29, he's 39.

Derek and Addison are the same age.

ON TO THE STORY! GET READY GUYS! YOU'RE GOING TO FIND OUT WHO ERICA WAKEFIELD IS!

Aftermath

Chapter 3: Twenty Years and Two Husbands Ago

The Shepard's responses to this woman were puzzling to say the least. Their polar opposite reactions had grabbed Meredith's attention. Something was definitely not right with this.

Meredith spent most of the following morning pondering the situation. Both Shepards were acting considerably different and out of character, especially considering the current situation. Derek was in a fantastic mood, smiling and laughing, something he hadn't been doing much of lately. And Addison, well, she wasn't exactly jumping for joy. Exactly the opposite, in fact. She'd been sulking since she walked in that morning. Unfortunately Derek's brighter attitude hadn't curbed his desire to stalk Meredith. In fact, just before lunch, he was waiting for her as she finished the last patient on her rounds.

"Have lunch with me." He suggested as they headed toward the locker room they were now sharing, seeing as the attending's locker room was under construction due to damage by the explosion.

She sighed as he stepped ahead of her to open the door to the locker room. This was just about the only place where Addison had no excuse to be, seeing as her locker bay was two floors up, there was really no reason for her to be in a surgical locker room. _Just my luck, we're alone._ Meredith thought dryly as she quickly dialed her locker open.

"I don't think that's a good idea Derek." She said at last. Derek was leaning on the locker next to hers, staring her down. "I have lunch plans." She went on, compelled to explain. He held her gaze for several long seconds before nodding. _Why do I try to explain? It's not like I owe him anything._ She thought miserably.

He sighed and turned away. He knew she wasn't OK, despite her futile efforts to prove otherwise. And it was literally killing him to know that she was hurting, yet she wouldn't let him see it. As a matter of fact, he was fairly sure that he was the last person she'd let see her cry or show any sort of emotion for that matter. She tried too hard to prove that she didn't need anyone, that she was strong and independent. Truth was, he wanted her to need him. He wanted her to need him as much as he needed. He turned around to say something else, but she was gone. "Damnit!" He exclaimed to the empty room, slamming his fist own on the locker. He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face.

"Hopefully Erica can help her. If anyone can do it, she can." He muttered into his palms. The thought of the psych consult made him smile. But then, she'd always done that. "At least some things never change." He said, his mood lifting slightly as he headed out of the room and off to eat.

The peculiar behavior going on with the Shepards only made Meredith more curious about the connection between Erica, Derek and Addison. She tossed several ideas around. At first she thought maybe it was a sister. But that was quickly cast aside when she remembered none of Derek's sisters names were Erica. Then she thought maybe old girlfriend, made the most sense, based on Addison's reaction, but it still didn't exactly account for Derek's response… It seemed too…. Too happy, too elated, too uncontained.

She decided to make the excuse she'd given to Derek about having lunch plans genuine. She was going to grab her lunch, tell the others, and eat in the research lab and find out who the hell this woman was.

George, Izzie, Cristina and Alex all looked up from their lunches when they saw Meredith approaching. "I'm not staying, just wanted to let you know that I'll be eating in the research lab." She told them. Immediately, Izzie and Cristina immediately jumped to their feet. Meredith shook her hand an motioned them to stop with her hands. "No,guys. I can do this alone. I need to be alone." She stressed to them and instantaneously, they stopped. "I'll see you later." She said finally and walked off.

Twenty minutes later, she'd googled Dr. Erica Wakefield in at least 10 different ways, skimmed through medical articles, society blips, but still no connection to Addison and Derek. But there had to be one. "There had to be a connection between the Shepards and Dr. Wakefield. You just don't react like that to some random person." She muttered to herself, scrolling through the links.

"Try dropping the 'Dr' and changing her last name to Shepard." A familiar voice said from the door. She looked up. It was Addison. Meredith wrinkled her eyebrows at her. "Just do it." Addison insisted. Meredith turned back to the computer and did as Addison said. A ton of new links and articles popped up with their names all over them. She turned to Addison in confusion. "Who-?" She choked out, unable to put it all together.

"The only one to ever leave him." Addison said after a second. She sighed and shifted to her other foot. "Meet Derek's first wife." She finished finally.

REVIEW

Don't hate Erica, she's not going to be the bad one in all this, I swear!


	4. So Complicated

OK, I really hope you all are enjoying this. I've got a quite a bit planned for this story. Expect some conflict, some indecision, some tough choices. One thing I PROMISE is that you will like how this ends, no matter what! For now, I'm not revealing any of my future plots and I'm not revealing who ends up with who. You'll just have to read. For now, enjoy. I made this chapter long just for you guys!

AFTERMATH

Chapter 4: So Complicated

"First wife?" Meredith managed to spit out after a moment Addison sighed and nodded as she stepped tentatively into the room.

Meredith waited, she knew she had to if she wanted some sort of reason, explanation. Finally, Addison raised her eyes to the younger woman's. Meredith's breath caught in her throat. Normally Addison the poster girl for confidence, but there was something in Addison's eyes that she'd never seen before. Something she herself was very familiar with. Good old SUV. Sadness, Uncertainty and Vulnerability. Whatever Addison was trying to say was causing a great deal of discomfort.

"I don't know much. You of all people know how secretive Derek can be." Addison finally began, her eyes flitting to Meredith. She didn't move, didn't blink, didn't breath. "They were young. She was 18, he was 23. He was about to start med school at NYU and she was an incoming freshman. They met, I think, at a grocery store and hit it off. They dated for almost a year before getting engaged on her 19th birthday. They were married a few weeks before she turned 20. They lasted two years." Addison finished, her voice robotic and mechanical, her eyes glazed over, seemingly locked on the wall in front of her.

Meredith attempted to absorb this. She had to ask. "What,.. What happened?" She asked at last, her voice barely above a whisper.

"They were too young. It was his first couple years of med school and he was trying to hold down a job. She was in the same boat. Time wasn't there. Or rather, I guess, it wasn't important enough. She apparently approached him several times about the issue, and he basically ignored her, thought it would go away. She got fed up, had divorce papers drawn up, and signed them. Then she waited until he was at work, packed her stuff and left the papers and a note. That was it." Addison told her with a shrug. Before Meredith could comment, Addison continued. "As for me, well, I was the rebound that he couldn't shake. He didn't want to be alone and I was in love with. Which isn't to say that he didn't love me, because he did. But truth be told, he did, does, and probably always will love her more than me." She said with a small sigh.

Meredith wasn't really sure what to make of all this. _Does that mean he loved this other woman more than he loved me? Does he still love me? Does he still love her? Did he even love Addison? _A million thoughts bounced around in Meredith head. "Look, the only reason I told you this was because he already sprung one wife on you, it's not fair for him to do it twice." Addison told her, snapping Meredith out of her thoughts. And with that, Addison spun in her perfect heels and left

Meredith just sat there, trying to grasp the situation, trying to put it all together. So far, she was coming up with nothing. None of it made sense. _I've got to talk to him._ She thought miserably as she stood to find Derek. She checked her watch. He should be done with lunch by now. Sure enough, 5 minutes later she found him in the locker room brushing his teeth and washing up.

"Were you even going to tell me or were you going to let me find out the hard way?" She angrily demanded. Derek froze. **_She knows. Damnit she knows. How did she find out? Who told her? Why?_** He finally raised his eyes, meeting her gaze in the mirror in front of him. "Who told you?" He asked finally, his voice deadly calm as he tried his hands off and turned around. "Addison." She replied without hesitation, her arms crossed protectively in front of her. "Since when did you two become friendly?" He questioned, leaning back against the sink. She raised her eyebrows. "We aren't. But she brought up a good point. You already sprung one of your wives on me. I don't deserve that again." She informed him. Derek looked down briefly before bringing his eyes back to hers. "You're right. But, for the record, I wasn't going to spring Erica on you." He went on. He met his gaze, clearly disbelieving his words. He sighed. "Open your locker." He said. She didn't move. "Just do it." He told her. She sighed. _What is it with these people feeling that it's ok to tell me what to do?_ She thought to herself as she spun the combination on her lock. As soon as the door opened, a note floated to the floor. She grabbed it off the floor and read the simple note.

M-

Meet me at Joe's at 9. Please, it's important.

D.

She looked up. "I know Addison already told you. But I think I should get a chance to explain. She was my ex-wife after all." Derek reminded her. _Do I go? Should I humor him? Does he deserve it? Probably not, but I do want to know who this woman is. I guess if I want to know, I have to go._"What about Addison?" She asked feebly. "Addison already knows about Erica. Doesn't really like her." Derek replied. Meredith cocked her head to the side. "You know what I mean." She accused. He smiled wryly. "She won't say a word. She won't like it, but she's not going to do anything to upset me. She doesn't want to lose me, remember?" He told her, cursing his words as they came out, especially when she visibly winced.

It was against her better judgement, but she had to know. Finally, she nodded. "OK, I'll see you at 9." He said as he walked by her, clasping her arm for a moment as he went by. Before, before all of this, that gesture would have been insignificant, she probably wouldn't have even noticed it. But now, now she waited for him to touch her so she could store it in her memory bank. Truth be told, sometimes those memories were all that got her by. It was because of all those memories and unfinished business that Meredith agreed to go that night.

9 pm and Meredith was just getting a seat at the Joe's. The heavy set man set a tequila in front of her. "Meeting someone?" He asked. "Derek." She replied, sipping the liquid. Joe raised his eyebrows. "Don't start." She warned him. He backed away, his hands in the air as he headed toward the other end of the bar.

"Where are you going?" Addison questioned Derek as he changed into his street clothes. "To meet Meredith for a drink." He replied honestly. Her mouth dropped open slightly. "Why?" She asked at last. "To fix whatever damage I'm sure you caused with your version of the situation." He replied as he grabbed his briefcase and brushed by her.

Meredith heard the door swing open behind her. She glanced at her watch. 9:02. He always did have a thing about running behind, maybe not far behind, but still behind nonetheless. Sure enough, it was him. He sat down next to her, smiling softly. She could smell him. _Breathe kid. You're here for information, nothing more._ She coached herself as he ordered a scotch on the rocks. "So this Erica person…?" Meredith trailed off, spinning to face him on her barstool. "You sure get right to the point…" He muttered, taking a sip of his drink. She waited. He sighed. **_She's really not going to let me off the hook for 5 seconds._**

"It's…. It was, very, insanely, terribly complicated. So complicated. We met the June before my first year of med school. I knew the first time that I saw her that she wasn't from New York. Native New Yorkers have a certain way of carrying themselves, dressing, facial expressions, we're a rather distinct breed of people." He started, taking another swallow of liquor. Meredith smiled in spite of herself. Encouraged by her response, he continued.

"So I knew she wasn't from around there. We were in a grocery store, she was behind me in line. Her cart was full of frozen dinners and Dr. Pepper. Perfect opening. I asked her if she cooked much. She said she didn't, hadn't had a home cooked meal since she left home. Told me she guessed she wasn't in Kansas anymore. I asked her if that was where she was from. She laughed and said 'Close enough. Missouri.' Then she introduced herself." He said.

_**FLASHBACK**_

_Derek was unloading his groceries onto the conveyor belt when he heard a cart stop behind him. He looked back and into the most incredible blue/green eyes he'd ever seen. She smiled tentatively at him. He didn't hesitate in smiling back. She had longish brown hair, hanging loosely around her shoulders. A tall one, at least his height, maybe an inch shorter. His eyes skimmed her body as she busied herself with her purse. She may be young but she certainly had the body of a woman. He noticed her cart was full of various brands of frozen dinners and at least 3 cases of Dr. Pepper. "Not a cook?" He asked. Startled, she looked up and grinned. "If by cook you mean can I successfully burn down a kitchen? Yes, I can cook." She said with a laugh. He laughed out loud. A sense of humor, he loved that. "I haven't had a home cooked meal since I left home. This place, this city, well, I think it's safe to say I'm not in Kansas anymore." She admitted, going on. "Is that where you're from?" He asked. "Close enough. Missouri. Kansas's hipper, trendier cousin." She said with a smile. He grinned in response. He returned to his groceries, trying to come up with something clever to say._

_"I'm Erica Wakefield. You?" She asked, startling him back to reality. "Derek. Derek Shepard." He replied, offering his hand. She shook it firmly. **Make your move. Say something. Do something.'** His inner voice commanded. "Do you have a pen?" He asked her. Wordlessly she handed him one. He jotted down his number on the receipt the checked had just given him. "Call me if you ever want one of those home cooked meals." He told her and pushed his cart off._

_**END FLASHBACK**_

"She called me two days later and left a message on my machine that said 'I just realized that my fridge consists of cardboard boxed and plastic bagged food. I just ate pop tarts for 3 meals. Call me.' I laughed through most of the message and called her. That was it for me. I was hooked on her, addicted to her. She was so incredibly different. I'd never met a person like her. She showed me things, made me trying things, made me do things. Things that I never would have seen, tried or done. She's why I like the ferry boats. They had them in St. Louis, where she's from, on the Mississippi river. We used to ride them every weekend. I proposed to her on her 19th birthday on a ferry boat. We got married 11 months later, on March 28th." He said. He paused to take a drink and let her think.

**_Go slow Derek. Don't scare her. Let her breathe, let her absorb it._** He reminded himself. "Things were great at first. We both had what was left of the school year, then summer break. We did everything, absolutely everything, together. We were inseperable. If you'd have asked me back then if I thought she was it, I'd have said yes without even hesitating. But, I was young and stupid. Things started to get difficult almost immediately. We were both going to school full time and working full time to make ends meet. We barely saw each other. Sometimes, the only time we'd see each other was when we were sleeping next to each other. I thought it was enough. I convinced myself it was enough. But it wasn't, and deep down, I knew that. It only got worse as time went on. Then it got to be that the only times I ever really saw her were holidays and school breaks. Sure, I'd see her for an hour here and there but never for long stretches of time. She tried to talk to me about it. But I ignored it." He confessed as Joe set another scotch in front of him.

_Do I really want to hear all this? Do I want him to go on and on about his long lost ex-wife?_ She asked herself. She didn't have a chance to process this because he started up again.

"I thought if I ignored it, it would go away. I thought she might back down. I was wrong. She's a fighter, she doesn't care if she hurts your feelings for the sake of getting a point across. So, she got fed up. One night I came home from work and all her stuff was gone. All that was left were the divorce papers and this." He said, handing Meredith a dog eared, folded piece of paper. She cautiously unfolded and read the note.

Derek-

I tried. I really did. I wanted this to work so badly Shep. But I can't deal with only seeing you on weekends, holidays and school breaks. Can you blame me for that? I love you. Plain and simple. I love you and I wanted to spend time with you, to have dinner with you, go to bed with you, wake up next to you. All I wanted was just to be your wife. I tried to tell you that, I tried a hundred times D. But you didn't want to hear it. You wanted it go away. So, fine, you get your way. You want it to go away, it's gone. I already signed. I can't believe this is the last time I'll ever sigh with our last name… Though I guess it's just yours now…

Love you

E. W. Shepard

Meredith looked up at Derek. "Pretty raw." She said finally. "Well that was her. She was a raw person. One of the things I love about her." He told her.

Meredith sighed and took a long pull on her drink. "Addison, she said that you love Erica more than her." Meredith said, picking her words carefully. Derek ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "That's not entirely false." He said at last. Shock vibrated through Meredith's body. That wasn't what she was expecting. "Erica's a very different creature than Addison. I was convinced that Erica was the love of my life. Hell, there's still a tiny pat of me that still believes that. And Addison, well, she was after me from the word 'go' so it wasn't like she didn't know what she getting involved in." Derek pointed out. "She, she was there the whole time?" Meredith asked, confused. He nodded. "Of course. She went to NYU and we had some of the same classes. She knew I was married. She knew I was happy. And when it all came down around me, well, she was there. So it all just happened. And I loved her for how she treated me, how she cared about me. But she wasn't Erica… Not even close. Nobody really comes close, especially not when that one person was who you were supposed to be with." Derek continued, taking a long drink of the scotch.

Meredith sat there, completely lost. She didn't know what to say, do or think. "But then I came here. And I felt like my world turned upside down. Until I came to Seattle, I had myself convinced that I'd never find someone. That my best years were behind me. But then you happened…" He said softly.

"Did you stop loving her?" Meredith asked finally. _Please say yes, Derek, please. I don't think I can bear you being in love with 3 women._

WELL! REVIEW!


	5. I Still

HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS! I'M THROWING AN EXTRA CHARACTER IN NEXT CHAPTER!…. READ AND REVIEW AND YOU'LL FIND OUT WHO THE MYSTERY GUEST IS!

Aftermath

Chapter 5: I Still

Derek swallowed a pull of the scotch Joe just put in front of him. "That's a difficult question Mere." He said at last. "Humor me and try." She told him dryly. He sighed. "You aren't going to like what I have to say." He warned. "Just answer me, please. Did you fall out of love with her?' She asked again. "Yes." He answered at last. She let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. "And no." He went on, unable to keep the sheepish look off his face. She cocked an eyebrow at him. He rested his forearms on the bar. "Continue." She encouraged softly. "Meredith, she was my first wife, the first big love of my life. And she left me. I didn't stop loving her and she didn't stop loving me. Love wasn't why that relationship ended." He explained. She was silent, she was waiting. _**She really isn't going to let this go, she really does want to know the truth**._ He thought to himself. "I was why the marriage ended. I thought I could get away with putting everything else in front of my wife. I was too worried about everything else going on to see that the one person who meant more to me than anything else, was unhappy. I thought since we were married that she'd stay, that she'd stick it out." He went on, taking a long pull at his drink.

"And now?" She asked quietly. "Meredith… There are times, there are days, where I wake up and I… I still need her. I look back on how we were young and stupid… The way that things were said and done, I still, I still care about her. It's like I'm stuck in a moment that wasn't meant to last. But sometimes, no matter how much I try to fight it, try to deny it, I just can't let her go. Sometimes, I can still feel her, like she's right there beside me. Sometimes, it still feels like she's the one." He explained, his voice soft and low, full of regret.

She felt like the walls were coming in on her. This wasn't possible. This wasn't happening. He wasn't telling her he was still 'sometimes' in love with his ex-wife. "It's been 12 years!" She sputtered out. He smiled sadly. "Yeah it has been 12 years. Time has done a lot. It's why I only feel like that sometimes instead of all the time." He replied.

_What…. What am I supposed to do? Say? I… I'm so lost…. How am I supposed to compete with a woman he's been harboring feelings for, god, for over 14 years now!_ "And the other times?" She asked at last. "The other times, well I'll admit, the other times have always been with you. You make me think that I can have it again. With you, days go by and I don't think about her. She doesn't even cross my mind. With you, I got the fresh start I've been looking for." He told her.

She rubbed her hands through her hair and down her face. "What am I supposed to do with all of this Derek?" She asked some minutes later. He was quiet for several moments. "I honestly don't know. Because I don't even know what I'm supposed to do." He replied, stress evident in his voice. "I do know one thing. I'd really like you to meet her. Before you have your official sit down with her, I mean." He went on. She looked at him expectantly. "I mean it. Tomorrow night, she's supposed to be at the hospital by 6pm to check in with Richard. She's meeting me in the lobby at 6:15 and we're going to dinner." He said, looking to her for her response. "You've already talked to her." Meredith replied, her voice dropping a little. "Meredith, we're friends. I called when I found out she was coming. It would have been a little weird if I hadn't." He pointed out. She didn't say anything.

"I don't know if I can. She is your ex-wife and apparently the love of your life." She said softly. _Disagree with me Derek. Please…._ He didn't say anything. He went completely silent. "Forget it Derek. I'll… I'll just see you later." She went on, anger edging into her voice. He grabbed her arm as she tried to brush past. "Don't punish me for loving someone. Addison's already done enough of that to last me a lifetime." He pleaded. She attempted to yank her arm from his grasp but he was stronger. "What? Did you expect me to pat you on the back and tell you I understood? I don't Derek. I don't understand. I'm not even going to pretend to. I can't. I'm not that good of an actor, unlike you apparently." She retorted, her voice shaking with hurt and anger.

"I don't know what else to tell you. I told you what you wanted to know. I answered your questions. I told you that it wasn't going to be easy and I told you that you weren't going to like what I had to say. And you still wanted to know. I was honest and I get punished." He muttered. "Hey! You aren't getting punished for being honest! You're getting punished for not being honest soon enough! I can't believe that you're still hiding things and we aren't even together anymore!" She spat, the words just firing out of her mouth as she tried snatching her arm back. He pulled her flush against him. "Listen to me." He whispered, his voice low and dangerously close to her ear. "I love you Meredith. That hasn't and never will change. You are the first person I've ever completely and totally loved in 12 years. I do not and will not hide that. Not from you, from Addison or from Erica. I'm sorry that I still care about her, I really am. But I'm working on it damnit, I'm working on it because of you. I'm trying, OK. I'm trying. Just don't ask me anymore goddamn questions. Not about Erica and don't ask me why I'm still with Addison. Just don't. If you give two shits about me, don't ask." He finished, releasing his grip, throwing down 3 twenty dollar bills and disappearing out the door.

OK SO I KNOW IT WAS SHORT, BUT NEXT CHAPTER WE WILL MEET ERICA AND OUR SURPRISE GUEST! STAY TUNED! REVIEWS PLEASE!

OK I have an opportunity for you to find out some information before anyone else!

Here's what you have to do - In your review, name the singer of each song title I've used for the story:

Chapter 1: Fix You - ?

Chapter 2: Talk - ?

Chapter 3: 20 Years and 2 Husbands Ago - ?

Chapter 4: So Complicated - ?

Chapter 5: I Still - ?

Get them all right and I'll give you a little preview of what's to come!


	6. Jesse's Girl

First, on a note of the contest, one of you got really close to being right, but missed by one. The chapter titles where as follows:

1 – Coldplay

2 – Coldplay

3 – Lee Ann Womack

4 – Carolyn Dawn Johnson

5 – Backstreet Boys

Lizziebender, you were the closest! You only missed chapter 4! I know the title wasn't really fair since it belonged to two artists, so I'll try to make it up to you!

Bear with me in the beginning, I want you guys to get a picture….

Aftermath

Chapter 6: Jessie's Girl

Erica Wakefield wasn't what you'd call a patient woman. She'd been waiting for her luggage at baggage claim in Seattle International Airport for the last 20 minutes. By her watch, it was quarter after 4. If her luggage didn't make an appearance soon, she'd be late getting to Seattle Grace. She sighed and propped one 4" stiletto pointed toe brown boot clad foot up against the post she was leaning against.

5 minutes later, another round of luggage came around. She ran a hand through her stick straight shoulder length brown hair and pushed herself off the post and headed toward the carousel, hoping to grab her bag and get the hell out of dodge. She smoothed her hands down her jeans, attempting to rid them of invisible wrinkles. She pulled down the hem of her ribbed white tank top and straightened her fitted olive green jacket with the vintage tattoo design stitched on the back.

"Well well well. What do we have here! Talk about a fish out of water!" A voice to her left exclaimed. She exhaled loudly and groaned. **_Not him. Anyone but him._** Drawing herself up to her full height (6'1 in the heels, 5'9 without), she turned to her left, her eyes narrowed. "Always happy to see me." The man said in response to her face. **_I thought I said 'not him' Didn't he get that message?_** "Mark." She replied, her voice completely void of any emotion. "Good to see you too." He told her with a stupid grin. "Bite me." She shot back nastily. "I would, but I can't. I'm in love." He replied, a ridiculous smile plastered to his face. She rolled her green/blue eyes toward the sky. "You must be joking." She responded at last. He shook his head. "That's why you're here." She assumed. The attractive man to her left said nothing.

She sighed heavily. She wasn't really all that surprised. This was, after all, what she did for a living. "Mark, believe me when I tell you that now is a bad time. Actually, it's a really really bad time. Not to mention the fact that she won't go back with you. She loves Derek and he's too afraid of failing to let this go." She warned. "She loves me. Besides, I hear Derek traded her for a newer model…. An intern." Mark told her. She said nothing, didn't even look the slightest bit surprised.

"You know already!" He exclaimed after a moment. Her face conveyed no emotion. "How… Who told you?" He demanded. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. "Who do you think? Just because we're divorced doesn't mean we aren't friends." She replied. "So you talk to him regularly." Mark assessed. "Like I said, we're still friends." She retorted. "Doesn't that bother Addison?" He questioned. "She really can't say much, I mean, she's still talking to you." She slipped in slyly, hoping to catch him. It worked. "That's different. Derek doesn't know." He said confidently. She didn't say anything, just threw a smug smile his way. It took about 30 seconds for Mark to realize what he'd done. The smile faded from his face.

"You can't say anything!" He exclaimed. "And why not?" She challenged. "You're a psychologist, you can't share what people tell you, that violates the HPPA laws." He reminded her. "Hey, we aren't in my office. You're not my patient and you certainly didn't pay me $1,100 bucks." She shot back. His eyes widened considerably. "That's the going rate now huh?" He asked, temporarily side tracked by the sizable fee she commanded for an hour of her time. "Yep. And since none of the above apply to you, what you told me is fair game." She replied, a sly smile playing on her face. "But I'm above that." She went on, a look of relief washing over Mark's face. "Don't do something stupid Mark. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but I will be if I have to." She warned.

"Why are you here anyways?" He asked in a futile attempt to change the subject. She sighed loudly. "Psych consult at Seattle Grace." She dutifully replied. "So, you aren't here to get Derek back?" He pushed. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "That part of my life is over Mark. Has been for 12 years." She replied briskly as she grabbed her luggage off the carousel and strode away, not giving him a chance to respond and hoping to lose him. She didn't get more than 12 feet and he was beside her again. She groaned. He was silent for a long moment. "When did we stop being friends?" He asked softly. "When you started sleeping with Addison." She retorted coldly.

Her response was puzzling to say the least. "But you don't like Addison." He replied slowly. She nodded her agreement. Mark furrowed his brow, his face scrunched in concentration. After a moment, his eyes lit up. "Were you jealous of her and me?" He asked, a touch in incredulousness entering his voice. She scoffed at the very notion of the concept. _All right so I was wrong…_ "Don't flatter yourself Mark. It upset me because it hurt Derek. You betrayed him. And, not to mention that it was just plain wrong. That is why I don't like you." She clarified.

Mark fell silent. "I guess, maybe it was payback." He offered at last. "Payback? For what?" She asked, confusion filling her voice. "Sleeping with Addison was payback. Or, at least, it started out that way. I wasn't counting on falling for her. It was payback for him being Dr. Perfect. He got the best woman and didn't even have to work to for her. He knew how I felt about you. I was the whole reason he even showed up at the grocery store that day." He exclaimed angrily.

She tried to wrap her mind around what he was saying. "Mark… What-What are you talking about?" She stammered out. "I worked at that grocery store. I watched you come in and out of it every week for over 2 months. I told Derek how beautiful you were… I told him exactly what you looked like, what your name was, where you went to school, that you never cooked! He knew everything. I told him that you always came in on Tuesday and that next time you came in, I was going to ask you out. I'm the one who told him to come in and check you out! But that was all he was supposed to do, he was just there to be my wing man. But I got scared… I chickened out. Next thing I know, he's in line in front of you, giving you his number, making you laugh…. He knew who you were long before you 'accidentally' bumped into each other." Mark finished.

Her jaw hung open in shock. She felt like her world had just been turned on its end. Nothing was as it seemed. **_Is he really telling the truth? Did Derek really know all along?_**To his credit, he did look like he actually felt bad about all of this. "I know that you didn't know any of this, and truth be told, he was a better match for you than I was. As much as I wanted to hate him for what he did, I always kind of understood…. Because it's…. Because it's you." Mark went on, his voice softer. She blinked, nodded, attempted to force words out of her mouth. Finally she made them come. "There's one thing I don't get. If you wanted to get back at him for being with me, why didn't you just go after me?" She asked quietly. "I never had a chance. You'd never in million years cheat on him, especially with me. And, as much as it just pains me to say this, because I hate that its true, but I had too much respect for him to try." Mark replied. "But you just got through telling me how he hurt you… How can you respect him too much to try something?" She asked. "Erica, do you know what he said to me when I asked him why he did that to me? He told me it was because all I did was sit around and wait for things to happen to me, that I never take chances. He said he knew that I wasn't going to ask you out, and so he did. And what pains me was that he was right. All I did was sit around and wait and I probably never would have asked you out. He stepped up when I should have. And, as much as I hate it, I had to respect him." Mark explained.

"You had too much respect to try anything with me, but how do you explain Addison?" She asked. "That… She was different. My play for Addison was my way of showing Derek that he wasn't the only one capable of stealing women from other men. At least that's how it began. I didn't count on falling for her. But he made it so easy. He was not the same man that he was when he was with you. They were a different couple. You and Derek, you guys were, you were it. The perfect couple. So perfect that nothing could come between you, except yourselves. And Addison, well we all know she doesn't hold a candle to you. Hell, knowing Derek's taste, I'm sure she doesn't hold a candle to the intern he's playing house with I always told Derek that he's only made 2 mistakes in his life. Letting you go and marrying Addison." He finished as he loaded his suitcase into a cab. "I'm sure I'll be seeing you." He said breezily as he climbed in and rode off, leaving her standing on the sidewalk, dumbfounded.

I had to keep Mark in the story! I like conflict, what can I say, I'm a realist and conflict is part of life! So I know this chapter wasn't Derek or Meredith or even Addison, but you've officially met Erica! Tell me what you think of her!


	7. TROUBLE

This is just a forewarning, I am not an Addison fan. I'm not going to coddle her character or be overly friendly to her. She cheated, she doesn't deserve overt kindness. But in keeping with some degree of reality, there will be nothing but professionalism between Erica and Addison when it comes to counseling. But outside of that concept, she's fair game as far as I'm concerned.

Aftermath

Chapter 7: T-R-O-U-B-L-E

Erica spent the whole ride to the hospital turning over Mark's words. _It was all planned… He knew who I was. He knew how Mark felt. Why didn't he ever say anything?_ Her thoughts carried her all the way to the hospital parking lot. "Well, I can't exactly ask him…" She said aloud to no one in particular. She knew if she did, it would be a dead giveaway that she'd spoken to Mark and she didn't want to open that can of worms just yet. It was only a matter of time before Mark's presence was known, and when it was, she'd ask then. Besides, she had a more important issue to discuss with Derek. Much more important. "He doesn't even see this one coming." She muttered to herself. Not that she felt sorry for him, it was his fault after all.

The hospital stood in front of her, tall and imposing. Something about it irked her, made her nervous. "What is wrong with me? Why am I so nervous?" Erica asked her reflection in the visor mirror of her rented BMW. She was not typically a nervous person. "It's just Derek." She told herself.

Unfortunately, that thought wasn't really comforting her. "You have a job to do. Get out of this car and go do it." She commanded herself. She sighed heavily and grabbed her purse and stepped out of the car. She surveyed the intimidating hospital in front of her before striding toward the entrance.

She made it up to the 5th floor unnoticed. She made her way to the end of the hall to the office with Dr. Webber's name emblazoned on a door plaque. She reached for the handle but someone on the other side beat her to it and the door swung open. All of a sudden, Erica's confidence had returned as she broke into an amused smile. "Addison." She said, her voice betraying her smiling face. Addison swallowed, she hadn't expected to run into her this soon. "Erica." She replied, her voice slightly unsteady.

She wouldn't lie, she liked that she made Addison nervous. Someone had to. "Excuse me." Erica said, gesturing to the door Addison was blocking. Addison immediately jumped out of the way and began to make her way down the hall. _I really shouldn't… It would be childish and petty…. Oh well_. She mentally chided herself for what was about to come out of her mouth. "Oh, Addison? Could you remind Derek that we're meeting for dinner at 6:15? Tell him not to be late!" She called to the older woman. And just like that, Addison was booted off her high horse.

"That wasn't very nice." Richard said from behind her. She whirled around, smiling coyly at the older man. "Who says I have to be nice to her?" She retorted, planting her hands on her hips. "He doesn't belong to you anymore." He reminded her softly. She rolled her eyes. "Richard. He's my friend." She replied. "He's also your ex-husband. The fact that you have a history with two key members of my staff is an ethical concern. Do I need to be concerned about your professionalism?" He asked. She looked him square in the eye. "Richard, if you truly believed my professionalism would be in question, you wouldn't have had me come out here." She shot back, daring him to disagree. He sighed heavily and took a seat behind his desk, gesturing for her to take a seat opposite him. "I trust you. You're the best there is. Just fix this." He requested. She smiled. "I'll do my best." She said softly.

"Here's your hotel information, your expense card, the list of people involved and their title, the office you'll be using is 3 doors down on the left, and here's the advance payment." He finished, handing her a check for three thousand dollars. She nodded and stood. "I'll start organizing and gathering research tomorrow." She told him as she stood. He nodded. "Tomorrow then." He said as he walked her to the door. She nodded and exited his office and nervously began making her way to the lobby.

"You're having dinner with her?" Addison demanded, shoving the door of the attending locker room open. Derek was wearing dark jeans, a blue sweater with a white button down underneath it. "Yes." He replied, clicking his lock shut. "Why?" She questioned, crossing her arms in front of her. Derek turned to face her for the first time. "She's my first wife. She's a part of my past. A huge part. I've known her for over 14 years. I'm having dinner with her." He told her. "You know how I feel about her." Addison reminded him. "Yes I do. And you know how I feel about her." He retorted pointedly. _I certainly do… Obviously there must be some lingering feeling there._ "Do you still love her?" Addison asked after a long moment. "Addison, no matter how many times you ask me that, my answer will not change. You know how I feel." He said, clearly annoyed. "I was willing to wait out Meredith… But now I have to wait Erica out too? I don't know how to wait out the woman you were supposed to 'over' 12 years ago." She snapped. He met her harsh gaze.

"The way I see it, you should be grateful for her presence in my past." He said softly. "Why on earth would I be grateful for her?" She asked, her face registering shock at the very notion. "Well Addison, after all, she was a big part of why we're married." He said as he strode past her to meet the former love of his life in the lobby. Addison was left standing in the attending locker room alone, and hating the fact that he was right. **_ I can't believe he walked out on me… That's twice this week._** She was so caught up in her thoughts that when her cell went off, she nearly jumped out of her skin. She looked down at the number and the world stopped turning.

"There she is." Meredith said softly as she watched a leggy brunette make her way down the stairs of Seattle Grace. Meredith, Izzie and Cristina had been standing on the third floor for the last 15 minutes, waiting for the mysterious Dr. Erica Wakefield to make her entrance into the lobby. Meredith's heart had leapt into her throat when she saw Derek make his appearance 5 minutes after they'd taken up positions on the 3rd floor.

"God, look at her! I didn't know they made psychologists that looked like that!" Cristina exclaimed. Izzie slapped her on the arm, silencing her. Meredith didn't really hear, her eyes were focused on the woman. **_God, I knew she'd be pretty, but this is ridiculous._** Meredith thought miserably. The tall brunette strode into the lobby and over to Derek. She watched as the man of her dreams face lit up and he swept Erica up into his arms. The very action vibrated through Meredith's body like a shockwave.

"That's the psych consult? Man, Grey, good luck." Alex said, coming up behind them. Izzie shot him an incredulous look. "What? That woman has T-R-O-U-B-L-E written all over her." Alex replied, spelling for effect. Meredith was too busy watching them to really even take notice of Alex.

Erica saw him before he saw her. She strode up behind him. "Shep." She said when she was right behind him. He turned on his heel and there she was. _Jesus Christ look at her! I can't believe this is Erica…_ He scooped her up into his arms and hugged her. It felt good to be in her embrace again. "You look absolutely amazing." He whispered in the brunette's ear. "It's just make up and hairspray." She said teasingly. He pulled back, still holding her hips. "God, it's good to see you." He told her, smiling into her bright blue/green eyes. "Well, I am easy on the eyes." She joked. "You always have been. Though, you're a bit tougher on the mind." He returned. She rolled her eyes as they broke apart. "You haven't even been here 4 hours and you're already starting trouble." He remarked, referring to her earlier run-in with Addison. "What? I couldn't resist. Plus, it was informational, she needed to know where you were going to be. And we all know how secretive you are." Erica reminded him as they stepped into the parking lot. He threw her a knowing look. "All right, all right, so it was a tad vindictive. But it's not often that Addison Montgomery gets put in her place." Erica went on, obviously leaving off the 'Shepherd' part of her last name.

The obvious snub of his last name being attached to Addison was not lost on him. But Derek didn't correct her, he never did. He just smiled at her, knowing better than to even think about correcting her. "Let's go. We have a lot of catching up to do." She suggested. "I couldn't agree more." He said as he shifted his bag and offered his arm. She tucked her hand into the crook of his elbow and they strode out of Seattle Grace like Mr. & Mrs. America.

Meredith just stood there, transfixed by the scene in front of her. "Mere." Izzie said, snapping her out of her reverie. "Are you OK?" Izzie questioned. "Yeah… I just, I wasn't prepared for that." She responded as she backed away from Izzie and Cristina and strode down the hall. _Breathe Mere. They've been separated for 12 years. They aren't getting back together. He told you he still loved you last night._ The pep talk she was giving herself was helping a bit. But she was still unsure of whether she wanted to go tonight. Derek wanted her there and she wanted to meet the woman who had Derek before anyone else. But she was also scared out of her mind, meeting her was facing the reality that Erica really existed and in Meredith sometimes slightly twisted world, she could pretend that she was the only woman Derek had ever loved.

Derek held the door of Joe's open. "Seriously Derek? We haven't seen each other in 6 years and you bring to a bar to eat? God, you know me too well." Erica said with a laugh. He waved at Joe as they took a seat in a back booth. He took a second to watch the woman in front of him. 14 years he'd known her and some things, well some things never changed. He watched her movements, able to predict her every move. First she'd tuck her left leg underneath her right. Then she'd pick up the menu and flip to the hamburger section. Next, she'd order a Dr. Pepper, she'd drink at least 5 tonight. She'd eat her cheeseburger first, picking off the onions she always forgot to tell them leave off, then her fries. Later on, when they got down to drinking, she'd order a Jack and 7.

She adjusted her left leg, which was tucked under her right as she scanned the hamburger selections. She felt him watching her. "What?" She asked, looking up at him. He shook his head and ducked his head behind his menu. She rolled her eyes and picked out her meal. The waitress showed up a few minutes later. "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and a Dr. Pepper." She ordered. Derek ordered the same and she leaned back in the booth, ready for the long conversation ahead.

So our girl Erica has a secret agenda of her own! Seems as though she's got more than one reason for being in Seattle. I know I was vague, it was intentional. You'll just have to wait for the next chapter to find out why!

Meanwhile, why don't you click that little purple button and tell me what ya think!


	8. Catalyst

THANK YOU FOR YOUR REVIEWS!

I'm sorry some of you guys don't like Erica. I hope you keep reading!

Big surprise at the end of this chapter. If you're paying attention, you've seen that something is amiss…

Aftermath

Chapter 8: Catalyst

Erica met her ex-husband's intense gaze with no intention of backing down. She had to fight to keep from squirming. He'd

always had that effect on her, she'd just gotten good at hiding it. She crossed her arms in front of her and squaredher shoulders.

"You mind telling me what exactly it is you're doing?" She asked, starting off what was destined to be an infinitely long

discussion.

He sighed heavily and attempted to turn his thoughts into words. "I… I've been asking myself that question everyday since

Addison came out here." He replied.

She shook her head at his response. "Does Addison know that you're still in love with Meredith?" She asked at last.

He nodded. "I told her a couple months ago." He answered. Erica was visibly surprised.

"And she's still here!" She'll do just about anything for your forgiveness won't she…?" Erica trailed off, her voice filled with

amazement and amusement.

"I haven't said anything to Meredith yet though." He continued after a moment.

Erica shook her head. "Doesn't matter. She already knows. Or at least, has a pretty good inkling." She told him as she

took a sip of her soda.

"How could she? I haven't said a thing to her." He protested.

"I'm sorry Shep, but she knows." Erica replied with a shrug of her shoulders. He said nothing. "Derek, you have always

been very good at telling people how you feel without ever saying a word." She told him matter of factly.

He was still silent. Truth be told, he wasn't really sure what to do or say. He'd always kind of wondered about it in the

back of his head, but he'd never allowed the discussion to actually happen.

"It's you D. You wear your emotions on your face. I guarantee she knows you still have feelings for her. Why else would

she still be hanging around, watching you and me in the lobby?" She questioned.

"You saw her? How did you know who she was?" He asked, shocked at her knowledge.

"Shep, she's Ellis Grey's daughter. Her picture is all over the internet. Almost as much as mine." She said teasingly.

"She hasn't said anything." He countered, trying to protest.

"She won't. She's probably not 100 sure of what she's seeing. Plus, it shouldn't come from her and she knows it. Smart

girl." Erica answered.

Thankfully, their food arrived before he was forced to respond to her statement. "Who's this?" Joe asked as he set their

plates down.

"Dr. Erica Wakefield. Erica, this is Joe." Derek introduced. Erica offered her hand, which Joe shook.

"I'm beginning to think you guys travel in packs. How do you know Doc?" Joe asked Erica. She met Derek's gaze over

the plate, clearing her throat, daring him to tell Joe.

"Erica is my first wife Joe." Derek told him, his eyes never breaking away from Erica's.

Joe let out a low whistle. "OK then. Well this is awkward, so I'm gonna-yeah, I'm gone." Joe fumbled, totally caught off

guard by Derek revelation.

They both dug in, too hungry to try to talk. He munched his food contentedly, glancing up every once in awhile. He watched

beneath lowered eyelashes as she finished off her burger. _She should be taking a drink of soda right about…. Now. Fries are _

_next._ He thought to himself as he watched her put her soda down as her other hand moved towards the fries.

"Derek, I hate when you watch me eat." She told him, startling him out of his trance. She never even looked up, just kept

eating.

"How did you know I was watching you?" He asked. He thought he'd been pretty covert about the whole ordeal.

She raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? What kind of psychologist would I be if I couldn't even tell that I was being watched?"

She responded.

He laughed softly and they both finished up their meals.

He watched her openly now, a curious expression on his face, almost like he was trying to figure something out.

She tried not to squirm under his gaze. She hated when he looked at her like that. "Stop D." She told him, her eyes pleading

with him

"What happened to us?" He asked, totally ignoring her request.

She hadn't been prepared for that one. For once, she thought before she spoke. "You know what happened. I know what

happened. What's the point in rehashing a 14 year old issue? It's just too many painful memories Derek." She finished. **_God, the _**

**_irony of that situation is already kicking me in the ass._** She kept that thought to herself though. During the course of her

statement and the thought that followed, she'd begun to tear her paper napkin to shreds.

He shocked her by reaching over and quieting her hands with his own. "I was a bad husband wasn't I?" He asked softly.

She didn't look up from their intertwined hands. "You would've had to actually be there to be a husband, let alone a bad

one." She retorted.

_ Ouch._ He cleared his throat. "I deserved that." He replied weakly.

"Yes you did. And so much more." She agreed.

His hands were still wrapped around hers. He squeezed her hands gently to get her attention. She looked up into his eyes.

"I know I've never actually said it, but I am truly sorry. I was young and stupid. I thought I could put my wife on the back

burner. I thought you'd wait. If I'd known you woul leave-" He tried to express his feelings, but she cut him off.

"Derek, the potential threat of my leaving shouldn't have been what made you stay. It should have been that you loved me,

needed me, that you just couldn't live without me." She explained, removing her hands from his, placing them in her lap.

"You and I both know I didn't think like that 14 years ago." He reminded her.

She nodded, not saying anything, letting him speak.

"But that doesn't mean that there wasn't anything I wouldn't do to keep you." He went on after a moment.

"Everything except what you needed to do, pay attention." She snapped back, her voice laced with frustration.

"Obviously that was my downfall. I tried everything except that. The simplest of concepts and it went right over my head."

He explained.

"Yes it did Derek. Which is why we never should have gotten married." She finished, plunking her straw back into her

glass.

He was shocked. "I disagree." He protested indignantly.

She raised her eyebrow. "Seriously?" She asked, her voice registering shock.

"Absolutely. I don't care what you say. I wouldn't trade what we had for anything." He informed her, crossing his arms in

front of him.

That was one answer she hadn't seen coming. "Erica, I don't regret because of everything that happened BECAUSE of our

marriage." He went on.

She shot him an incredulous look. "So you're telling me that I'm the reason for everything! Your marriage to Addison and

the subsequent affair with Meredith included!" She questioned, her eyes narrowing at what she thought was his intention.

He raised his eyebrows and cocked his head. "You know better than that. You were the first love of my life. You were my

world for 4 years. I'm sorry, but I can't, and I won't, just throw that away because you regret getting married. Erica, you taught

me so much about myself and about life. You made me grow up. You are why I care about my patients as more than JUST

patients, they are people and you reminded me of that. You taught me one of the most important lessons in my life." He said

softly.

"And what's that?" She questioned, twirling her straw in the glass.

"You taught me that in order to succeed in life, no matter what I'm doing, that I have to do more than think about myself

and what I want. You forced me to recognize that there were going to be times in my life where I couldn't just think about myself

and my goals. So, in a way, you're the reason all the great things in my life happened, you're the catalyst." He finished, his eyes

soft with compassion.

"I think you're giving me too much credit Derek." She replied softly, brushing her hair back from her face.

He sighed. "All I'm trying to say is that I'm grateful for all that you taught me and did for me." He explained.

She smiled ruefully. "Well, thank you, I think." She replied weakly. **_Do it. You have to tell him. It's been years. He _**

**_needs to know._** She opened her mouth to say something, but he cut her off.

"I'm going to grab a scotch from the bar. Jack and 7?" He asked.

She nodded and he strode to the bar. She waited until his back was turned and dug in her purse. She pulled it out and put it

on the table, facing him.

Derek grabbed his drinks from Joe and headed back to the table. He saw something white at the table. He wrinkled his

forehead in confusion. He got to the table, put the drinks down and read what was in front of him and froze. He gulped a breath

of air in after a moment. "What are…What is..?" He fumbled, not forming the words.

"These are our divorce papers. Why didn't you sign them Derek?" She asked, her voice low and calm.

He met her gaze and there was a new look there. A look of pain, of confusion, a little bit of anger even. He opened his mouth to

explain...

HOPE YOU LIKE! R&R!


	9. End of the InnocenceSometimes Love

The long awaited new chapter to Aftermath is here!

Aftermath

Chapter 9: End of the Innocence/Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough

Derek opened and closed his mouth, much in the way a fish would.

"Say something Derek." She commanded tersely.

"I wanted to hurt you." He blurted out finally. Her eyes widened in shock of his response.

"Don't you think you accomplished that by your actions during our marriage?" She asked quietly.

"I was mad at you. I didn't want to give up. I figured if I signed them, I was letting your win." He explained.

She wrinkled her eyebrows in confusion and disbelief. "Letting me win? What exactly did I win Derek? A trip to

court before I was 23? A divorce? Since when are those considered prizes?" She demanded incredulously.

"I loved you. I loved you so much. I felt like I was being punished. So I wanted to make you feel the same

way." He said after a long moment of silence.

"Mission accomplished Derek. Only, you accomplished 'punishing' me long before we ever filed for divorce."

She responded, leaning back in the booth, her arms crossed in front of her.

He sighed and rubbed his hands up and down his face. "So where does this leave us? What does it all mean?"

He asked from behind his hands, a sigh escaping along with his question.

She leaned forward, steepling her hands in front of her and closed her eyes. "It means that, technically we're still

married." She replied.

"I don't understand how this happened. I got remarried." He told her.

She rolled her eyes. "I'm aware of that. Basically, when _I_ filed for _our_ divorce, it got entered into public record,

but the paperwork was lost among the shuffle. That paperwork had my signature on it, and without record of the

signature, there is no divorce." She explained.

He crossed his arms in front of him. "I got married. Why didn't I have problems?" He challenged.

She shrugged. "Glitch in the system, someone overlooked it, who knows. They didn't even figure out anything

was wrong until you filed for divorce from Addison." She told him.

He wrinkled his brow in confusion. "That was 6 months ago. And I retracted it 3 months after that. Wait, how

long have you known about this?" He asked, sitting up.

She raised an eyebrow. "Do you really think you're in a position to be asking questions?" She questioned, an

edge creeping into her voice.

He swallowed his words. She was right. And this was one woman he really didn't want to mess with.

She took a calming breath and shifted in her seat. "Look, this is fixable. Just sign the papers, we'll re-file, be

divorced, and your marriage to Addison will be legitimate, we don't even have to tell anyone. It's that simple."

She explained, handing him a pen as she spoke.

_**Maybe it's not that simple…. I don't know if I can divorce this woman again. Maybe I don't want to **_

_**be married to Addison anymore. Maybe I don't want to be married period!**_

He attempted to calm his racing mind as he tentatively reached for the pen. **_God, why do I feel like this? Why _**

**_is this so hard?_** He tried to block it out as he took the pen. Something caught his eye. He glanced at the door

and his heart skipped a beat. Meredith. He breathed a sigh of relief.

He handed her back the pen. She looked at him, a confused expression crossed her face. He nodded in the

direction of Meredith who was looking around for them. Erica swiveled back around to face him, her eyes

shooting daggers into his.

"Not now. She doesn't need this now." Derek pleaded. She held his gaze for a moment then relented.

"Fine, but this isn't over." She told him, stuffing the papers into her purse as Meredith made her way over to the

table.

Derek smiled warmly at the younger woman and pulled a chair up for her. "Meredith, this is Erica Wakefield.

Erica, this is Meredith Grey." Derek said, making the necessary introductions.

Meredith was wringing her hands nervously, an action not lost on her older counterpart. "I don't bite." Erica

offered, a small smile playing on her lips.

Meredith exhaled the breath she didn't know she was holding. _She's not Addison, Mere. Don't forget that. _

_She's been his ex for well over 10 years. Exhale. She just wants to talk._ She chided herself as she sat down.

Erica couldn't help but notice her not-so ex-husband's expression as his new love sat down. **_Wow, he never _**

**_looked at me that way…._** She felt a twinge of something deep down inside her, in a place she hadn't known

existed. She quickly pushed the place aside before it became dangerous.

Erica smiled encouragingly at the younger woman. "Ask the questions. I know you have them." Erica said

pointedly.

"What happened?" Meredith blurted out, the question spilling out like word vomit.

"We were very young and very passionate. We loved each other and loved what we did. To us, getting married

made sense. So we did. We did OK for awhile, but I guess, time took its toll. Or should I say lack of time?

Regardless, our priorities were different." Erica explained.

"She's being kind. What she's really saying is that I didn't make time for her. I never did. I thought that love was

enough, that she'd still be there, no matter what happened. And I was wrong. She walked out, and my world

died. A little part of me died. A part of me that I've never really gotten back." He said.

MEANWHILE, IN ADDISON'S WORLD

Addison sighed heavily as she entered the locker-room after her last round of patients. She was having, without

a doubt, the worst shift yet. Not only had she lost 2 patients, the gossip of SGH had told her that Meredith Grey

had joined her husband and his ex-wife for dinner. Fantastic. Just freaking fantastic.

She shed her coat, pulling her phone and beeper from her pockets in the process. Her blinking cell phone

indicated a message. She knew who it was from. She hadn't answered earlier when Mark called. Her head told

her to delete the message and cut off communication with him. That would be the 'wifely' thing to do. Her heart,

well that was another matter all together. _Follow your heart Addy._ Listening to her inner voice, she dialed her

voicemail and listened, a tiny smile playing at her lips.

Mark wanted to see her. The very concept, the very thought, made her heart leap into her chest. And it

bothered her. She was married. She was in love with her husband. Her husband was in love with Meredith, or

maybe Erica, or hell, maybe both! She laughed in spite of herself. "How do you get yourself into these things?"

She asked herself aloud.

"Oh, to hell with it. I'm calling him." She muttered to herself as she dialed Mark's number. His voice rang out

over the line after only one ring.

"Addison." He said, his voice filled with happiness.

"So do you really want to get together?" She asked quietly.

"You know that you don't have to ask that question." He responded quickly.

She was quiet.

"Where to?" He prompted softly.

"Joe's should be fine. Derek's out to dinner with his ex-mistress and ex-wife." Addison replied, realizing how

ridiculous the words sounded.

"Erica's in town?" Mark asked, feigning surprise. He wasn't going down _that_ route just yet. Erica would have

his head if he handled this badly. For the time being, the altercation between him and Erica had never happened

Addison sighed loudly into the phone. "Yes. Weber brought her in as the pysch consult." She replied shortly.

He registed the tone of her voice. He detected a note of jealousy. Not that she didn't have something to be

jealous about, Derek's intern was hard enough to compete with, let alone his one of a kind ex-wife. But it still

broke his heart a little. He hated that Addison still cared so much about Derek while he so carelessly stomped

on her heart.

"You need a drink Addy." He told her. Her end of the line was quiet.

She knew what it meant if she went with Mark. It was a step backwards. It was a step away from her marriage.

But, if she was taking steps, Derek was leaping. "Joe's, 10 pm." She answered and clicked off.

JOE'S – 9:45 PM

Meredith had finally achieved a sense of comfort. The conversation was easy now, questions and answers

flowing smoothly between the trio. The conversation was interrupted by the shrill ring of Derek's phone. "Excuse

me." He said as he took the call. He hung up a moment later and sighed.

Erica knew that sigh. It was a patient. He was leaving. "My patient's coming around. I need to do follow-up."

He said with a grimace. Erica nodded, not saying anything. She knew the drill. The three of them stood.

"Please stay, don't let me ruin it." He told them. The women exchanged looks and nodded simultaneously.

He hugged his ex-wife. "I appreciate you doing this." He whispered in her ear. She shivered a bit at the low tone

in his voice and she instantly chastised herself for reacting that way, for reacting at all. She nodded. "We aren't

finished with this." She told him softly, referring to their earlier situation. It was his turn to nod.

He turned to Meredith, who'd looked away from the ex-wife and ex-husband embracing. He touched her arm,

she brought her head around to meet him. He leaned forward and brushed a kiss to her cheek. "This will work

out. Don't worry." He whispered before he pulled away.

Meredith didn't doubt that for a second. What she did doubt was _how_ it would work out.

The women sat, watching his retreating back. Erica took a long sip of her Jack and 7. "You really shouldn't

worry about me, you know." Erica told her young friend.

Meredith said nothing, just nodded.

"I mean it Meredith. I'm his past. Addison is his present, but you are definitely his future, you just have to have

faith in him, believe in him, he will figure it out, he may be slow, but he always figured it out." The older woman

told her.

Before Meredith could react, Erica spoke again. "Speaking of the present….." She muttered, her eyes focused

across the room.

Meredith turned and saw Addison Shepherd walking in with a very attractive man.

"Who's that?" Meredith whispered.

Erica smirked, unable to contain her mischievous demeanor. "Mark." Erica replied.

At that moment, all three women locked eyes. The women of Derek Shepherd were all in the same room.

SORRY FOR THE WAIT! STORY'S GOING TO MOVE FASTER SOON! PROMISE! REVIEW!


	10. All That I've Got

OK So I'm working on this whole updating more often. I do apologize for the past, it's been a crazy month…. Got in a car accident, and then, 3 days after I got it fixed, I got it stolen…. Got it back (Didn't really want it back) and now I have to deal. So this is a good escape.

Aftermath

Chapter 10: All That I've Got

Meredith froze in her chair. "This can't be happening." She muttered to her table companion. But she got no response. When she looked over, she saw her predecessor was smiling like the cat that ate the canary. _Somehow, I don't think this is going to be good._

Addison froze in her spot. Mark, who'd been tugging on her arm, stopped cold when he saw Erica and her younger companion. He put two and two together and gathered that this was Meredith, AKA the current love of his ex-best friend's life. His fingers curled a little tighter around Addison's upper arm. "Exhale." He instructed softly. She automatically released the breath he was sure she didn't know she was holding.

"What do we do?" Meredith tried again, hoping to get Erica's attention as she finally tore her eyes from Addison's.

This time, she responded. "She didn't expect me to be here. And I'm guessing, by the look on her face, she definitely didn't expect you to be here. So, you'd probably be better off not saying anything when she comes over." Erica told her, never breaking eye contact with Addison.

"You don't think she'll come over here, do you?" Meredith whispered, desperately avoiding eye contact now.

"Oh, I not only think it, I know it. We're his past and his future Meredith. Don't think she doesn't know it. She knows where she falls in Derek's life. She'll be making an appearance." Erica explained.

Meredith opened her mouth, preparing to say something else, but Addison decided to prove Erica right and started over, practically dragging Mark behind her.

Erica kicked out a chair for Addison using the heel of her 4" stiletto boot. "Addison! Fancy meeting you here! Do take a seat!" Erica exclaimed in false excitement.

Addison grabbed the chair that was shoved her way. "What are you doing here!" Addison hissed under her breath.

Erica held up her Jack and 7 in response. "This is a bar. We're having a drink." Erica replied glibly.

"Why are you having a drink with her?" Addison questioned, her eyes flashing, darkening in anger.

It took every fiber of Meredith's being not to run away or shrink into her chair. She managed a glance at her companion, shocked to find her cool as a cucumber. _My God, she must be made of steel._

"Derek invited me to dinner Addison. You know that. We ate here. Meredith joined us after her shift was through. What's with all the questions? Do you have a day job we don't know about? CSI perhaps?" Erica teased, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"This whole thing is ridiculous You should NOT be here. This is a total breach of

ethics and professionalism! We were doing just fine until you poked your nose where it didn't belong!" Addison exclaimed.

Erica rolled her eyes. "Hmm, that's what you call this? Poking my nose in? Really…? Right, well you go ahead and run and tell Richard that. We'll finish our drinks and wait here. Mark, pull up a chair." Erica snapped, her eyes narrowing at the red head.

Addison was at a loss for words. "That's what I thought. Now, I'm sure you'd like to make your exit now, so why don't you go ahead and do that, and when you call Derek to yell at him, would you remind him that he owes me for his half of dinner and drinks? Thanks, you're a doll." Erica finished, turning her eyes from the older woman.

Anger rocketed through Addison. She turned her talons to Meredith, easier prey. "You know you shouldn't be here, seeing him outside of work. You know he's married, and yet you came anyways. What's she been telling you! That he doesn't really love me? That he loves you so much more! That I broke him! That you fixed him! Well I have news for you! I didn't break him, she did! She left him!" Addison shrieked, wrenching her arm of the tugging grasp of Mark.

Before Meredith could even react, Erica was on her feet, the tips of her very expensively manicured nails barely touching the table as she leaned over, using her considerable height to her advantage. She towered over Addison by a good 5 inches.

"Now I recognize that you hate me. I know that you can't stand the sight of me, of what I stood for in Derek's life. And I have no problem with that. You don't matter to me. Not in the slightest. So you can sling all the mud you want at me, but not at her. The only reason you're mad at her is because you're mad at yourself. You know that if _you_ hadn't fucked up and fucked _him_, she wouldn't exist. But she does. She's very real. And that pisses you off because you can't scare her off and you don't want to face the real reason why you can't. He LOVES her. He loves her more than he ever loved you and you know it." Erica finished, her voice laced with venom.

Meredith's eyes were as big as saucers, as were Mark's. "Take your adultering ass and leave. Take your partner in crime with you." Erica commanded, not leaving the red head any other option.

Erica sat back down and took a long pull on her drink. "That was such a bad idea. I shouldn't have flown off the handle like that. You OK? You look a little freaked out." She muttered to Meredith.

"I'm fine… I was a little freaked. I've never seen her act like that before. I don't think anyone's ever talked to her like that before." Meredith replied, her voice tinged with awe.

Erica smiled softly. "Yeah well, someone needed to speak to her that way." She replied, throwing down the rest of her drink in one gulp.

"Do you think Derek will be upset?" Meredith asked after a moment. She watched as Erica swirled the ice around in her glass and contemplated the question.

She shrugged. "Hard to say. He used to be frighteningly predictable, but not as of late. He's throwing strikes when he used to throw balls." Erica quipped, clunking the empty glass down and scooting it away from her.

"Look, Meredith, there really is no easy way of dealing with this. Because there is nothing you can do at this point except be who you are, be the woman he fell for. And if that's not enough, well then you did what you could. The ball is in his court. It has to be." Erica continued after a moment. She grabbed her coat and dug into her purse, pulling out some large bills. "This ought to cover it. Coming?" Erica asked, shrugging into her coat.

Meredith grabbed her coat and quickly followed the quick footed psychologist out. "Don't give up. I know you want to, but don't do it just yet. Give him a bit more time." Erica said as she bid her goodbye to the young intern.

Meredith watched Erica as she strode off into the night. _Well that was definitely not the evening I was expecting._

ONE WEEK LATER

So far, Erica had settled in well. She'd done her preliminary research and done a fair amount of observing/spying and was ready to begin treatment

First up were the doctors that were on the same floor as the bomb. That meant Preston Burke, Cristina Yang, Derek and Meredith. Skimming over the list, she opted for Cristina first.

Half an hour later, the slender, dark haired woman was sitting across from her, arms folded in front of her and not making eye contact.

"You know, the sooner you drop the 'I don't have any issues, so I don't need to be here' act, the quicker we get this done with." Erica started, hoping to get the attention.

"I don't need to be here. I don't see what the big deal is. We are all OK." Cristina replied, her voice full of boredom and exhaustion.

"Really? And you aren't the slightest bit bothered that you almost lost your best friend and boyfriend all in one accident? That doesn't affect you in the slightest?" Erica challenged.

"Almost, but I didn't lose them. They're very alive." Cristina argued, rolling her eyes at the therapist across the table from her.

"Right, they are. But you didn't know that would be the case when it was happening though. You didn't know if they would live or die, you didn't know if you would live or die." Erica pointed out, jotting down a few notes on Dr. Yang's body language.

Cristina stayed silent for a moment. "I don't do this. I don't do confessions, I don't cry, it's not who I am." She explained.

"I get that from your body language. And I respect that you're a private person and you deal with issues within yourself. But I have to tell the chief, in good faith no less, that you're cleared for duty. Now tell me something, if you're so "fine" then why aren't you scrubbing in? Says here that up until the Code Black, you were one of the most vicious when it came to securing surgeries. Want to explain that?" Erica asked.

Cristina stared defiantly at the woman across from her. She wasn't going to tell her anything. She didn't know her, she didn't need help. She was just fine, when were people going to start believing her! She averted her eyes and blew a strand of hair from her face, displaying just how much she didn't care for the therapist's presence.

Erica had dealt with people like Cristina Yang before and unfortunately the manner in which they were handled wasn't pretty. But what choice did she have? She stood and walked around to Cristina's chair. She leaned down, placing a hand on either arm rest, sticking her face in the younger woman's.

"Now you listen to me you pathetic, rude, disrespectful, whiny little intern! I have a job to do! One that I am very good at! One that I am VERY highly regarded for! You're good at what you do, I get that! I respect that! You do whatever it takes to get the job done! Good for you! But you carry around an attitude and chip on your shoulder to match because secretly, deep down, you think you're the best. You think that no one else here is nearly as good as you. You might be good, but you are far from the best. You are an intern! A nobody! And that precious career that you've thrown your heart and soul into, can disappear in a heart beat! All it means is that I walk out this door and tell Richard that I don't believe you're mentally fit to work. So let me say this as simply as possible. If you do not talk, you do not practice. The choice is yours." Erica finished as she walked to the door, hand on the knob, and waited.

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	11. Satisfied

HERE YA GO! THANKS FOR ALL YOUR POSITIVE WORDS!

Aftermath

Chapter 11: Satisfied

Cristina sat back, for once at a loss for words. She'd never had anyone speak to her that way before. Her mind was racing as she saw the older woman reach for the door.

"Wait." Cristina muttered, giving into the fact that this woman had her fledgling medical career in her hands.

Erica exhaled, glad that she didn't have to go as far as she'd threatened. It wasn't in her nature to be that way, but she did what she had to do to get the job done. She let go of the door and calmly returned to the other side of the desk, settling back into her chair.

"All I can remember thinking is that I was seconds away from losing my entire world. When I first decided to be a doctor, I vowed to myself that nothing would stand in my way. And for a long time, nothing did. I did well in school, got the internship I wanted, I figured things couldn't get better. Then, I meet Burke and it all goes to Hell. He made me human." She finished lamely.

Erica smiled softly as the young woman finished her monologue. She could relate. The discovery of one's humanity was always a humbling experience. The old saying really was true. The higher you are, the harder the fall.

"Meredith?" Erica prodded, knowing the young woman's angst ridden ranting wasn't quite over yet.

"I never had friends like her when I was younger. Hell, I never had friends. But she accepted me. Totally and completely. She took me for who I was, no questions asked. My own mother can't even do that. The idea of losing her and him made me realize that if they did leave me, I'd have to go back to being the old Cristina, and 6 months ago, I'd have killed for that. Now, I'd kill if anyone took all this away." Cristina finished quietly.

Erica listened, nodding only from time to time. Finally, after 5 minutes of silence and note taking, she looked up. "You need to continue counseling. I'm recommending at least 5 more sessions with me, and then at least 3 months of continued counseling with in house psychologists. You will be cleared for duty starting today. I expect to see you back in surgeries very soon. If not, then I will reconsider my diagnosis." Erica said, a small smile on her face.

Cristina looked as though someone had just lifted a huge weight off her shoulders. A grin tried to peek its way through, but she squashed it, replacing it with her 'game' face as she stuck her hand out to the psychologist. "Thank you." She said quietly.

"You're welcome." Erica said, returning the young intern's firm handshake. She watched as the younger woman stood and quickly exited the room.

"Man, she's good." Cristina muttered as she strode down the hallway to the locker rooms, still in disbelief at the session she'd just gone through.

Erica finished her notations and decided to grab Preston Burke next, leaving Derek and Meredith for last. She glanced at her watch. 4:45. Looks like Burke would have to wait until tomorrow. She turned to her laptop, typing a quick email to Dr. Burke informing him of his appointment the next day. Then she placed a quick call to Richard, letting him know that Cristina was cleared for surgery. "If she's not in a surgery with the week, I'm pulling her off duty and sticking her in daily counseling." She warned Richard.

"Fair enough. I do trust your judgement Erica. Always have, you don't need to justify your reasoning with threats." Richard said lightly.

She smiled in spite of herself. "Point taken. I'll see you tomorrow Richard." She told him and hung up. She sat back in her chair and exhaled. This was by far one of her more exhausting cases. She'd never treated this many people for this sort of thing before. She shut her computer down, grabbed her coat, purse and briefcase and headed out.

She strode towards the parking lot, pulling her cell phone out as she moved through the hospital. She scrolled through her phone book, hitting 'send' when it came to rest on Derek's name.

"Addison, I do not have time for this right now. I'm exhausted and very busy." He told his wife, who'd cornered him in a scrub room after surgery.

"I had dinner with Mark." Addison spit, hoping to get a reaction from her husband.

"I know." He told her quietly. His knowledge of the situation surprised her. His lack of a reaction surprised her even more.

"How did you….?" She asked, her voice laced with confusion. To her shock, he rolled his eyes.

"Are you actually asking me that question? My ex-wife and ex-girlfriend were there. Did you honestly expect it to be kept quiet? They care about me Addison. Quite the concept huh?" He snapped.

She was about to open her mouth when Derek's phone went off. He grabbed it off his belt before Addison got a good look at the caller ID. Too late. Her eyes narrowed, challenging him to answer the call. Unfortunately for her, she married a man who thrived on challenges.

"Dr. Wakefield." He greeted with a soft smile as he turned from his wife.

"We need to talk. There's still the issue of some unsigned papers." Erica's voice rang out over the phone.

"I know, I know. I'm off in an hour. I'll call you." He told her with a sigh before snapping the phone shut and turning to his wife, her hands on her hips, her mouth slightly agape in shock.

"Date with your ex-wife?" She asked incredulously. He raised his eyebrows at his red haired wife.

"Should free up your evening. Why don't you call Mark?" He suggested sarcastically as he shoved the door open, storming out of the room, ending the conversation, leaving his wife alone, and in shock.

Meredith was gathering her stuff, her shift having ended at 5. She tossed her bag over her shoulder, preparing to leave the locker room when Derek came waltzing in.

"Hey." She greeted him quietly. They hadn't spoken much over the past week, they'd worked opposing shifts and well, she'd been avoiding him.

He'd been so lost in his own world that he hadn't even noticed Meredith until she spoke up. "Hey." He returned, his mind still preoccupied with his previous thoughts.

Meredith studied him for a moment, unsure of what to say next. Something wasn't right… "Are you OK?" She asked tentatively.

Her concern cut through him like a knife. He knew how much she'd been through. He couldn't imagine what all of this had done to her, having his ex-wife and current wife working under one roof.

He looked up, meeting her eyes, and for the first time that day, gave her a genuine smile. "Been better, but I'll get through it." He said as he washed his hands.

"What are your plans for the evening?" She asked, desperate for a lighter subject, hoping for a simpler conversation.

"I'm supposed to call Erica back. Her and I need to talk…" He trailed off as he dried his hands, his eyes going vacant again.

Meredith couldn't help the twinge of jealousy that ran through her. _It's not fair… She seems him whenever she damn well wants to…. I can't even call him!_ She nodded, forcing herself to swallow the lump in her throat.

"Talk? Sounds serious." Meredith choked out as she wrapped her arms a little tighter around herself.

"Unfortunately it is. But then, it's usually always serious with her." He replied, his voice distant.

He was silent, deep in thought as he responded to Meredith's subtle nosiness. It wasn't until after he responded that he processed what he'd said. He looked down at her, snapping himself out of his trance. She was practically tied in knots of nervousness. _Way to scare the hell out of her Derek!_ He silently berated himself.

"Hey, didn't I tell you this would all work out?" He questioned as she started to leave the room, her hand on the door handle. He took a step closer to her, hoping to reassure her in whatever way possible.

"Yes. But what you didn't tell me was how that statement is supposed to make me feel better." She replied quietly before quickly exiting the room, leaving HIM alone.

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	12. It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday

First of all, you guys rock! Thank you for making me want to write!

A/N: Its been ages since I've been on a ferryboat and I don't recall if there were any tables and chairs to sit at, but for the purposes of the story, I'm throwing in a couple.

Aftermath

Chapter 12: It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday

Derek waited until he got to the parking lot before removing his phone from his belt clip and dialing Erica up.

"Hello?" She answered a moment later.

"It's me." He said into the phone as he tossed his briefcase into the back of his car before sliding into the driver's seat.

"I figured. So we do need to talk." She told him as he heard her shift on her end of the line.

He sat in the car, unmoving, his free hand gripping the wheel. "I know." He said softly. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he leaned back. It had been a trying week for all parties involved, and now he was putting an end to a marriage he'd unknowingly been in for the last 14 years. _Christ Derek, you sure know how to make life complicated._

She closed her eyes against the feeling in the pit of her stomach. "Where should we meet?" She asked, speaking only when she trusted her voice.

"Joe's obviously is out of the question now, given how _well_ it went when we were that last week. How about you meet me at the docks? We'll go for a ride." He suggested. It seemed fitting, almost ironic that they'd be ending their marriage on a ferry boat, considering he'd proposed to her on one…

**_Is he trying to kill me here? _**But she knew she couldn't let it show. She was supposed to be in control here, not her emotions. "Works for me. Just give me directions and I'll meet you in an hour. Bring dinner." She said. He rattled off directions and they clicked off.

She sat back on the hotel bed, pulling her pillow to her stomach, holding it tightly. She thought she'd let him go, that she'd let it all go… _Maybe I haven't. Doesn't matter now though. This has been over for years. You are an adult. He's moved on. He wants to be with someone else. Someone who's even more right for him than I am…_ It took a lot for her to admit to that. She didn't want to think that Meredith was better for him than she was. Maybe that's why she hadn't really sweated his marriage to Addison. She'd known Addison wasn't better. Addison had merely been different.

After a moment, she heaved herself off the bed and shed her work clothes in favor of her favorite jeans. They were soft, faded and ready to fall apart. Derek would recognize them. She'd had them since she was 20. She pulled a blue polo shirt from Ralph Lauren over her head and threw her hair back into a pony tail. She grabbed her purse, coat, and shoved her feet into a pair of moccasins and headed out, grabbing her keys and room key card as she left.

Derek sat in his car staring blankly out the window. He'd spent over a decade convincing himself he was over her, telling himself, repeating it over and over again, like a mantra. And he really had himself believing it, until now. He was still married to her. He was still married to the person he'd once considered the woman of his dreams, and now he was about to divorce her for the second time.

He forced himself to start the car. _This was over years ago. This is nothing more than a speed bump. A very simple speed bump. _He coached himself as he picked up Chinese takeout at Hunan Express. Twenty minutes later, he was at the dock waiting for her.

Meredith had been aimlessly driving for the last 20 minutes. When had life become so complicated? Why was it so hard to just be with the man she loved? Why did she allow him to put her through this? Why did SHE allow herself to be put through all this? Too many questions, not enough answers. She needed peace, solace, silence.

She went to the only place she'd ever found sanctuary. She pulled up to the docks and sat in her car. This had been her and Derek's spot… And before her, it had been Erica and Derek's spot. _I guess history has a way of repeating itself. _She thought grimly as she climbed out of the car and headed slowly to the awaiting ferry boat, hoping to catch a bit of peace and quiet.

Erica made her way to the platform, spotting Derek as she approached. He waved when he saw her. "Hey." She greeted as she reached his side. He smiled his greeting and held up the bag of chinese. Within 5 mnutes they were on the boat, searching for a private place to sit.

"Still have the jeans huh?" He asked as they settled into an old table near the front of the boat. She looked down at her pants.

"Yeah, just can't let 'em go. Mostly cause I still fit in them." She said with a soft laugh as she popped cartons open as he pulled out paper plates and forks.

"You were wearing those when I asked you to marry me." He stated as he put a can of Dr. Pepper in front of her, setting a Coke in front of himself.

She nodded, not trusting her voice. Now was not the time to lose it. She wanted to enjoy her last moments of her "marriage" to Derek. It sounded cheesy, she knew that. But she needed this, and she liked to think he knew that. What _they_ didn't know though, was that they'd gained an audience.

Meredith made her way onto the boat. It was quiet, only a few people really. She meandered towards the front of the boat, ready to step around the corner when she heard two familiar voices. Derek and Erica. Derek had said they'd needed to have a serious conversation. In the back of her mind, she knew she shouldn't have been listening, she knew it was private…. _He's kept you in the dark with everything in his past, hearing this won't change anything…_ She told herself as she held her position and her breath, waiting to hear what was said next.

They ate in relative silence, both cherishing their last day as "husband and wife". They weren't delusional, they weren't crazy. They were human. They have feelings, emotions, and a past together. And now, a part of their past was 'officially' being closed.

"It wasn't this hard when we did this the first time…" He told her, not taking his eyes off the water.

She raised her eyebrows at her tablemate. "It wasn't as hard because you weren't there." She reminded him quietly.

He didn't really have a response to that, she was right. "I'm sorry I left you like I did." She spoke up, shocking him. He'd been preparing to apologize to _her_ for his childish behavior. She'd never once apologized for leaving. He'd never really expected her to.

"You don't-" He started to say, leaning forward, but she cut him off.

"Who knows what would have happened if I'd stayed? We could have tried talking, we could have tried to work through it. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a quitter." She continued, her eyes heavy with sadness and regret.

"If you had stayed, things wouldn't have changed. I wasn't going to change. You weren't going to change me, you weren't going to change. We were too young, too immature, too… everything. You left because that was the only thing that would get through to me. And you knew it. You did what you had to do to get your point across. That doesn't make you a quitter. That makes you human." He told her, reaching over and grabbing hold of her hand.

"Timing… That was always our biggest problem. We always had different school schedules, then different work schedules. Even our ages were timing issues. We were too young, we got married too fast…" He went on, keeping his hold on her hand all the while.

When he finished, they sat in companionable silence, both trying valiantly to commit the moment to memory. "So we need to do this. You have a lot more to deal with besides some unsigned divorced papers." She said, breaking the silence.

Meredith froze. _WHAT!_

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	13. End of the Road

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Aftermath

Chapter 13: End of the Road

_Oh my god… They're still married! How! _Meredith's mind raced as she struggled to pull air into her lungs. He was still married…. Still married to his first wife… _This can't be happening, this is all a big nightmare… I'll wake up and I'll be in bed and I'll laugh it all off…_ She told herself. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that when she re-opened them, she'd be at home, in bed. She opened them a minute later. No luck. She gulped in deep breaths, torn between running to the other end of the boat and staying where she was. Really, there wasn't any doubt as to what she was going to do. No way was she going to miss this conversation.

"It feels like yesterday." He said, the papers now in front of them, the pen resting on the table.

"What?" She asked, turning to meet his gaze. He smiled softly, leaning back in his chair.

"The day we met. I remember it like it was yesterday." He responded, his eyes taking in the scenery around him.

"Funny you should mention that. I heard a story about that day." She told him, bringing his attention back to the present.

"What did you hear?" He asked, his voice lower, his eyes suspicious.

"I'm guessing you have an idea as to what I'm talking about, based on your expression." She guessed, an eyebrow raised at his expression.

He swallowed words in his mouth. He knew when to talk, and he most definitely knew when to listen.

"I bumped into Mark at the airport. He told me the truth about that day. You knew who I was." She said matter of factly. He was silent for several long moments.

"I did. Mark always talked about you, how great you were, how gorgeous you were. He wanted me to see you and I was curious about you. So I came up and there you were. You were everything Mark said, and more. He was supposed to make a move, but he didn't, so I did." Derek told her, twisting one of the chopsticks around in his hands.

"You could have told me." She said at last, breaking the momentary silence.

"Would it have made a difference?" He returned, meeting her gaze.

"Who knows? You know that's why he went after Addison." She told him, waiting to see

his response to that.

"I figured as much. He wanted to get back at me any way he could. So he went after her. I guess he didn't plan on falling for her. That's why he's here, right? To take her back." Derek said, his voice void of all emotion.

"That doesn't bother you?" She asked, surprised at his lack of emotion.

"I've seen her cell phone bills. They've been talking for months." He admitted, his voice low.

"You've been spying on her?" Erica asked, surprised at the revelation.

"I could do worse than spy on her." He retorted, leaning back and crossing her arms.

"You already have." A voice came. Both Derek and Erica looked up at the third party.

"Meredith." Derek breathed.

"You've done so much worse than she has Derek. She cheated and that was wrong. But you, you neglected your first wife, married Addison because you were lonely and missed Erica. Then you left Addison, came here, slept with me, started dating me, and didn't tell me _anything_ about your past relationships. Then Erica shows up, you find out you're still married and decide to keep it a secret. I should've known. I had the right to know. So did Addison. And you kept it to yourself. So the way I see it, you either didn't trust me enough or care enough. So which is it?" Meredith asked, her voice getting louder and louder with each word she spoke.

"Answer her Derek." Erica commanded quietly. She knew Meredith had painted him into a corner, and now, he needed to step up. But he couldn't. He couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't move.

"Shit or get off the pot." Erica hissed softly. He needed to come up with something and fast.

"Forget it. Your lack of a response is answer enough. Just leave me alone Derek. I'm done. This... Whatever this is….. I'm out, I'm done, it's over." Meredith said angrily as she strode to the end of the boat.

It was at that moment that Erica realized what exactly was going on. She may never stop loving her first husband, and he may never stop loving her, but it wasn't the same kind of love Meredith and Derek shared. The opposite of love isn't hate. Hate is an emotion, it means you still _feel_ something for the other person. No, the opposite of love is indifference. When you stop feeling, that's when it's time to pack it in.

"Sign. Sign now. RIGHT NOW. Or so help me God Derek, I will throw you overboard and tell your wife exactly who her husband is _really_ married to." Erica threatened, her voice low.

He silently picked up the pen to sign. "What's the point in even trying anymore? She doesn't want me near her." He said as he flipped to the back page.

"She does. If she didn't, she'd never have said anything Derek. Sign them and then you need to figure out how to fix this." She told him.

He took one last hard look at the woman across the table from him. She'd always pushed him to the brink, always pushed him past the point of no return. He sighed and put pen to paper.

Once he was done, he slid them across the table to her. She quickly scrawled her name on the signature line, hoping the faster she signed, the less she'd think about it.

OK, so there it is. Thoughts?


	14. Broken

Glad you're all enjoying! You guys are the BEST! Seriously. You make me write that much faster!

Hang with me on this guys, I know you all don't like the concept of Derek and Erica, but I think closure is required.

Aftermath

Chapter 14: Broken

Erica tucked the papers into her bag and met her 'official' ex-husband's eyes. "Go. Go find her. You need this, you need her. And believe it or not, she does need you." Erica told him, swallowing the slight pain she felt when she said the words. She was sending him after Meredith.

_Listen to her, Derek. Go. Go after Meredith._ He took a second to study the woman in front of him. The woman he'd never been able to replace.

It was hard for her, he knew, to send him after Meredith. They'd never stopped having feelings for each other, they'd never stopped loving each other.

He'd loved her when she left.

He loved her when he started dating Addison.

He loved her when he asked Addison to marry him.

He loved her when they got married.

He loved her when he left New York.

He loved her when he moved to Seattle.

He loved her when he met Meredith.

The only reason their feelings for one another had ebbed was because of time, nothing else. Part of him pushed him to follow Meredith. The other part begged him to linger a moment longer and appreciate the pain the woman in front of him was going through. He chose to listen to the latter.

"I didn't chase you." He said, speaking the words that were echoing through her mind at that very moment.

"No, you didn't." She agreed, not trusting her voice to say anything more. She crossed her arms in front of herself protectively, a slight wind playing with a few stray pieces of hair.

"I should have." He told her as he stood up. She followed his lead and stood as well.

"Yes, you should have." She agreed again, turning her gaze the sea, not wanting to meet his eyes, not wanting him to see the pain of ending the same marriage twice, of losing him twice. It may have been well over a decade, but there are some things, some pains, that no amount of time will extinguish. She still loved him. In what way, she wasn't entirely sure, but she did.

He grabbed her chin and turned her face to his. "You will always be the first. You'll always be my biggest mistake, my biggest regret." He said softly.

She closed her eyes to his words. She couldn't look at him, not now, not like this.

"Derek." She breathed, exhaling as she spoke. He felt her breath hit his face. She hadn't been this close to him in a long time. He wasn't going to lie to himself, it felt good…. A part of him still believed it felt right, that she was right.

He waited, his body so close she could feel his warmth.

"Go." She told him, swallowing the lump that had somehow managed to form in her throat.

_Stop. Stop it. You cannot have him anymore. He does not belong to you. He wants Meredith. She wants him. They're in love. Don't give in to these feelings. They aren't real. They'll go away as soon as you go home._ She processed the thoughts in her head, begging them to comfort her heart.

He hadn't chased her when she left, if he had, maybe things would have been different. And while she was being honest with herself, there was a tiny part of her that didn't want him going after Meredith.

She was right. He needed to go after Meredith. Erica was, she was…. She was his past. If he wanted any shot at a future, he needed to find Meredith. Still, his feet had problems understanding the message his head was sending.

"Derek, this boat docks in less than 10 minutes. Unless she's thrown herself overboard, she's still on the boat. She can't run, not yet. But if you let her get off this ferry without explaining, you're finished." Erica reasoned.

He turned to face her. "Thank you for that. I know it's not easy-" He started but she cut him off.

"Don't. Please don't." She whispered quietly.

He recognized that voice. She was hurting. This was hurting her. He instantly hated himself for being part of this, being part of her pain. He leaned over and pressed his lips to her cheek. "I do love you, don't forget that." He whispered before turning and running to look for Meredith.

She waited until he was out of sight before she let the tears flow. She kicked her chair around to face the ocean before her and sank down into it. If she was going to cry, she certainly wasn't going to let anyone see her do it.

He made his way down the side of the nearly empty ferry boat. There weren't many places she could be hiding. As a matter of fact, she wasn't hiding at all. She was standing at the other end of the boat, at the exit, seeming to be prepared to jump off the boat as soon as it docked.

"It was a mistake." He said at last, making his presence known.

"What was a mistake? Cause you're going to have to be a bit more specific, you've made a lot of them." She answered without turning around.

_Touché. I deserved that._ "When she left, I was mad. I didn't sign the papers. After 90 days, she was able to get the divorce on her own. And she did. Except that, somehow, some way, the divorce papers, the ones she signed, were lost. We were divorced as far as the Census Bureau and Public Records were concerned, but no written proof to back it up meant that the divorce as it stood 14 years ago, was null and void." He explained.

"And you had no idea?" She asked, her back still to him. The fact that she couldn't even look him in the eye told him how much pain she was in.

"Not until she got here. She didn't find out herself until I filed for divorce from Addison. Her lawyer informed her and my lawyer is no longer practicing. So she did what she always does, told her lawyer not that she'd take care of it herself." He replied.

"So does this mean you weren't married to Addison?" Meredith questioned after a long pause.

"Not technically. Our marriage didn't become valid until I signed Erica's and my divorce papers." He responded softly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked, finally turning to face him. He winced at her evident pain. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face was red from her tears.

He swallowed deep, unsure of exactly how to put his feelings into words. "Because of this… Because of how much this is hurting you right now. This, this was what I wanted to avoid. I've hurt you, I've hurt you more times than I care to think about, and I knew that this would just be the icing on the cake. My intention was to sign the papers and tuck that little part away and just deal with the here and now." He explained, moving a bit closer to her, praying to God she wouldn't back away.

She didn't. "But you can't tuck her away Derek. She is the here and now. She's here, trying to fix the damage. She's part of you, Derek. Granted, it may be the past that she's a part of, but that past, it's still part of who you are. You shouldn't have kept it from me." She informed him, her voice even and calm.

"So you think you could've dealt with it? You think you could have handled knowing that your biggest competition was still married to me?" He challenged, his voice low and soft.

_He was right. Damn it, he was right. He knew her better than she cared to admit. It didn't make his actions right, but he knew she wouldn't have been able to deal with it._ She looked up after a few tense seconds. "No." Was all she said before turning away again.

That wasn't exactly the answer he'd expected. He'd thought she'd fight, argue her point, make him see her perspective. He certainly hadn't expected her to just…. Agree.

She turned her back to him and braced herself on the cool rails of the ferry. She was just so tired…. Tired of fighting within herself tired of dealing with her feelings, tired of pretending she was OK when she wasn't. She was tired of being tired…

He gazed at the fast approaching shore. They'd be docking within minutes. She still had yet to continue, yet to elaborate.

"I just… I can't deal with this anymore. I'm only human. This, all of this, it's just too much. I can't, more importantly, I won't deal with this, anymore." She told him quietly.

"If you just give me time…" He pleaded quietly, moving closer.

Meredith raised her eyes to his. "I've give you all the time I have." She replied in a whisper. With that, she turned and headed down the plank to the shore.

Derek turned, his eyes meeting the piercing blues ones of his ex-wife.

ReViEw….

Sorry it took so long to put up, major computer f ups.


	15. I Can't Get Over You

Here we go… I don't own these people, But God, if I did, Mmmmm… McDreamy….

Aftermath

Chapter 15: I Can't Get Over You

Derek had watched Meredith run away from him more times than he cared to count. He felt the same way each time. Empty, useless, hopeless, foolish.

"Sucks doesn't it?" Erica asked, coming up behind him.

He was silent. She wasn't finished talking yet, and she knew that he knew that, so if he spoke now, all she'd do is yell at him for interrupting.

"When are you going to get tired of women running away you?" She questioned as she moved from behind him to head down the plank to get off.

He'd been expecting a lecture or some great philosophical explanation of what the hell just happened. He hadn't expected her to throw THAT in his face.

He had nothing left to do but get off the boat and try to catch up with Erica. But by the time he'd reached shore, she was gone. She'd run away from him too.

TWO WEEKS LATER

Erica had shut out all other outside nuisances and concentrated only on the situation at hand. She'd barely spoken to Derek, she hadn't even made eye contact with Meredith and well, Addison, she hadn't even wasted her breath on her.

But now, she had no choice but to sit down with each of them. It was that time. She'd treated everyone else except the three of them.

She sat at her desk at 2 pm, waiting on Meredith. She'd gone with the least venomous of the three.

She crossed one leg over the other and adjusted her glasses just as the door to her office opened and Meredith Grey stuck her head in.

"Come in." She said warmly, attempting a smile. The younger woman complied and quickly shut the door behind her.

"OK Meredith. Let's start with some basics. I've been observing you for the past several weeks and I can see why the chief is concerned. You were considered the one to beat before all of this. You haven't seen the inside of an OR in over a month. Can you tell me about that?" Erica asked, leaning back and holding Meredith's eyes.

Meredith was silent for a long moment before attempting to answer. "I'll never look at an OR the same way again. Every time I walk by them, my mind goes back to that day, to that moment. I never should have gotten out of bed." Meredith answered after a moment.

"What made you get out of bed?" Erica asked, writing down a few notes in her book.

Meredith smiled ruefully before responding. "Izzie and George called Cristina. She came over and stood on my bed yelling at me until I got up." She relayed.

"You felt unsettled all day?" Erica prodded, looking over the rim of her glasses at the young woman.

Meredith nodded her response. "I just couldn't shake the feeling. I knew something wasn't right. And then, it all just happened so fast. There I was talking to Hanna, then, next thing I know, I'm the girl holding the bomb and the whole hospital in her hand." She explained.

"What made you do it? What made you stick your hand inside that man?" Erica asked, hating that she had to push the envelope this far, but knowing it had to be done.

"I guess I felt like it couldn't get any worse. I guess I didn't think anyone would miss me if I died. I mean, I know that's not true, but that's how I felt." She attempted to explain, praying that she didn't sound like some pathetic suicidal patient.

"I'm glad you're aware of the truth Meredith. It's important that you understand that." Erica told her after a moment.

Meredith said nothing, she just nodded and kept her head on her hands, which were twisting in her lap.

Erica threw her book down on the table and pulled off her $500 glasses. "He loves you. He loves you more than he loves me, more than he loved Addison." Erica told the young woman, hoping to get her attention.

"You said loves." Meredith pointed out, after the realization hit her.

Erica turned a slight shade of red. "It was a slip of the tongue. Semantics. Nothing to worry about." Erica said, her voice unnaturally high and phony sounding.

Meredith squared her eyes on her previous competitor. "You're still in love with him." Meredith said, her words not a question, but a statement.

This was it, the ball was in her court, it was on Erica now.

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	16. All About You

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Disclaimer: I don't own these people…. I thought you all knew that…

Aftermath

Chapter 16: All About You

_Great, this is fantastic… This is totally how I saw this going…_Erica sighed and made eye contact with the woman who'd just challenged her feelings for her ex-husband.

"Meredith." She said at last, putting her notes down, and preparing to stand up.

"Please… Please, tell me I'm wrong." Meredith said, stopping Erica in her tracks.

"I'm… Look, it's complicated…. We were each other's first. You have to understand that. And you never stop loving the first…" Erica finally admitted.

Meredith sat back in her chair. "You still love him." She said flatly.

"That's irrelevant. We're not together. We may have been married, but we weren't together. He was with Addison, and now you… You, Meredith, belong with him. I knew that the minute I saw you guys together. So, what I think, what I feel, doesn't matter. Not anymore. It hasn't mattered for 14 years." Erica told the young woman.

Meredith wasn't sure if she should speak or not. She was obviously trying to explain and for some reason, she felt compelled to at least listen.

"That relationship… It's from another time. We were different people then. Too much…. Too much has changed for either of us to really even consider the option of anything happening. It wouldn't be a good idea." Erica informed the young woman.

Meredith watched this woman in front of her struggle with her emotions. She felt an unexpected wave of emotions wash over her. "You know you'd still be together if things had been different, right?" Meredith prodded. _What am I saying!_

"But they aren't. It ended 14 years ago. But well, he's not the kind of man you really _want_ to leave, ya know?" Erica replied, keeping her voice quiet, trying to keep the emotions in check.

"Yes, but the fact is, you were the big love of his life. And that won't ever change. You guys were soulmates." Meredith continued. It felt so strange to be saying it out loud, it was like she was admitting it to herself.

"Keyword there being 'were' Meredith. As in 'no longer'. You are it for him now. I'll admit, this trip, it's been a tad more emotional than I'd originally anticipated, but I'm not here to try to take him back." She told the woman softly.

Just then, with the speaking of those words, it dawned on Meredith. "No, you didn't… You don't have to. Don't you see? There's a part of him… A part that belongs to you. That will always belong to you…. A part that Addison and I can't touch. So you see, no matter what you do or did, or will do, there's that part that will always be between you guys." Meredith said, her voice full of soft realization.

Both women were silent for several moments. Neither was exactly sure of what they were supposed to say at that point.

Meredith gathered herself and silently headed towards the door. "Meredith. This isn't about me. Not anymore." Erica called to her, in a last ditch effort to make the young intern understand.

"Don't you get it? It's always going to be about you. But I don't blame you, it's not your fault. I'm not mad. I'm just…. I'm just done." Meredith responded quietly. With that, she turned and made her exit.

Erica flopped down in her chair, aggravated at her lack of ability to convince Meredith that she had nothing to worry about.

She couldn't sit for too long because her computer beeped at her, indicating her next appointment was going to begin in half an hour. "Addison Shepherd." The computerized bubble told her.

"Christ, I do not have it in me to deal with this." She muttered. She was going to need to collect herself if she was going to go up against Addison.

MEANWHILE, ADDISON AND MARK

Mark had been laying low since the incident at Joe's. In fact, the only person who knew was still in town was Addison and he'd paged her from the stairwell. He watched from a vacant hall and followed as soon as she hit the stairs.

"Addy!" He called out, stopping her in her tracks.

"Mark." She said, her voice tired and flat.

He jogged down the last few stairs between them, until they were face to face.

"Mark, look… This situation, whatever it is exactly, is bad. I can't deal with my husband, my husband's girlfriend, my husband's ex-wife and you all at one time." She told him,

crossing her arms protectively in front of herself.

Mark was silent for a few moments as he processed what she was telling him.

"You want me to go." He said. It was a statement, not a question, because he knew there was no question as to what she wanted him to do.

She nodded. "I need you to. I don't know how I feel, what I want and I can't figure that out with all these people breathing down my neck." She told him.

He sighed. He didn't want to go, he didn't want to leave her to suffer in silence. But if this was what she wanted. "Will you call me? Either way, regardless of what you decide, will you call?" He asked.

She swallowed. That was asking a bit more than she wanted to give right now. She could barely keep herself together and he was asking for favors But he'd been through almost as much as she had. "Ok. I'll call." She agreed at last.

He stepped closer and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek. "I'm sorry things turned out this way." He whispered. And just like that, he turned and made his way down the stairs.

Her PDA beeped at her. _The appointment with Erica. Great, that's just what I need right now, a sit down with my husband's ex-wife._

She sighed and climbed back up the stairs and made her way to Erica's office.

Erica got back to her office 5 minutes before the session was to start. She'd taken a quick walk to get some fresh air and had made a pit stop in the bathroom on the way back. She felt as good as she was going to, given the situation. She settled at her desk after telling her secretary to send Addison in whenever she got there.

Addison steadied her breathing as she came to a stop right outside Erica's office. She took a deep breath and pushed in the door.

"Dr. Wakefield will see you now." The secretary dutifully reported.

Addison nodded and swallowed one more time before moving into Erica's office.

"Addison."

"Erica."

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	17. Let Me Let Go

As always, I love you all madly and keep reading!

NOT MINE

Aftermath

Chapter 17: Let Me Let Go

Erica shifted in her seat as the red head took a seat across from her.

"Lets not make this anymore painful than we have to, OK? I know my husband loves you more than loves me. OK I get it, you win." Addison said, her voice tired, sullen and full of pain.

"That's all well and good but that's not what we're here to discuss. We're here to discuss the explosion." Erica reminded her.

_She's going to actually be professional about all this… Wow._

"So you were attempting to convince Miranda Bailey to give birth when the explosion occurred, is that correct?" Erica asked, diving right in.

Addison shifted in her chair before opening her mouth. "Yes, she was refusing because her husband was upstairs having brain surgery." Addison explained to her.

Erica nodded and jotted down some notes. "And you were preparing to chopper Dr. Bailey to Mercy West for a C-section before Dr. O'Malley convinced her to give birth vaginally, correct?" She prodded further.

All of a sudden, Addison felt about 2 feet tall. "Yes, that was the plan. My obligation, my job, is to do what's in the best interest of the patient." Addison defended.

"You aren't on trial Dr. Shephard. I'm not a lawyer, I'm a psychologist. I'm just trying to ascertain what exactly happened, so don't get your back up." Erica told the woman sitting across from her.

Addison visibly swallowed. She nodded her agreement to Erica's statement and gave herself a moment to gather herself.

"Your husband was upstairs, in the OR, less than 20 feet from a bomb. Weren't you concerned? Weren't you upset?" Erica questioned, keeping her voice neutral and unemotional. _Why wasn't she upset? Why wasn't she beside herself with worry? She shouldn't have been able to concentrate, let alone practice…_

"Of course I was upset. But I still have a job to do. I still have a responsibility to this hospital." Addison protested.

Erica raised an eyebrow at her fellow doctor. "Addison, you didn't even blink an eye. That's more than being cool under pressure. That's detachment. Your thoughts weren't with your husband until the very end. I realize you have a job to do, but you also had a husband who you could've lost and it appears as though that thought didn't even cross your mind." Erica observed.

Addison was at a loss of words. "How long have you been speaking to Mark? I mean, since you left New York." Erica questioned.

_How did she know! It's impossible…He couldn't… He wouldn't…_ "Mark told you." Addison replied flatly, but smoothly skirting the question.

"He did. I didn't think it would be relative to this situation. I was wrong. You weren't thinking of your husband because you were thinking about Mark. You knew he was coming, didn't you? Your mind was clear across the country with the man who helped you wreck your marriage." Erica said, keeping her voice even and cool as she regarded the woman across from her with a look so icy it sent shivers down Addison's spine.

"Clear me for my service. We're done." Addison demanded, her voice small but firm.

Erica considered the request. The woman was able to function, it wasn't the bomb that was causing the problem, it was the relationship between Meredith and Derek. She knew that before she'd stepped off the plane. She just needed to see it.

"I'll clear you. As of right now, the session is over, so I can say this. From one former ex wife to a future one, this isn't going to get better until you let him go." Erica told her.

Addison stood and walked out, leaving traces of her expensive perfume behind.

"Some people will never learn." Erica muttered to herself.

REVIEW


	18. Love Your Memory

Aftermath

Chapter 18: Love Your Memory

She'd spent entirely too much time preparing for this session. She'd purposely chosen the most conservative suit she had with her, kept her glasses on, pulled her hair back, did everything she could to keep from looking anything less than professional.

Unfortunately for her, Derek seemed to find this attractive. He stepped into her office at precisely 11:30 the following morning after Addison's session. "I think this is the most professional I've seen you look. I like it." He complimented as he settled down in front of her.

"Derek, we're here to discuss the events of the explosion, not my wardrobe." She reminded, trying to curb her sharp tongue.

He nodded silently and waited for her to speak. "You were told to evacuate. You refused. Why?" She asked, putting on her professional tone.

"Tucker Jones – Miranda Bailey's husband, was on the table. I wasn't going to let the man die. I was operating on his brain." He explained.

"Right but the man was equally at risk for dying from the explosion." She pointed out, glancing over the rim of her glasses.

"True but I'm a doctor. I do what's in my patient's best interest. If we had moved him, he would have died." Derek told her.

"Could have." She said, not even glancing up from her writing as she corrected him.

He was silent. She looked up, he had confusion written all over his face. "Could have. You don't know for a fact that he would have died if you moved him. You only knew it was a possibility." She told him.

She was right. He knew it was a risk to move the man with him attached to so many machines and with his brain exposed, but he'd be lying if he said he knew for a fact that Tucker would have died.

"How long after you refusal to move did you find out Dr. Grey was the one who was holding the explosive device?" She pressed, raising her eyes to meet him.

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "15 minutes maybe." He replied uneasily.

"Tucker crashed within moments of you finding out this information. What was your reaction?" She asked, her tone soft and neutral.

"I wasn't about to lose Bailey's husband, there was no way I was going to tell her that I couldn't save him. But when I found out it was Meredith… My heart stopped." He admitted, his voice tight and low, very nearly cracking with emotion. She knew this was taxing on him, he knew she knew that. They'd been through too much not to know when the other was struggling.

She gave him a moment to collect himself. "In that second, in that moment, you weren't a surgeon. You were a man who loved a woman who was in trouble." She said, her words not a question, but a statement, and more importantly, a fact.

He nodded, not even bothering to attempt to deny what she said. What was the point? She was right.

"It's not a bad thing… Derek, it's actually a good thing. It means you're still human, that you have real emotions. You know as well as I do that it's very difficult to hold onto the 'human factor' sometimes. And you did. You held on." She told him, needing him to know that he shouldn't be upset or ashamed at his feelings.

"I didn't think I was… Human I mean. Not until I moved here. I think I stopped being human after… After we ended. I wasn't even all that human with Addison. It goes worse as our marriage went down the drain. When I moved here, I felt robotic, like I didn't even need to sleep or eat to make it through the day. But I came here, I met her, and everything changed. I was human again, I had feelings, something excited me. But then Addison came back and I expected that robotic feeling to come back, but it didn't. I still felt human, even around Addison. I thought it meant something. I thought it meant I still had feelings for my wife. So I left Meredith. I was wrong." He'd just poured his heart out to his ex-wife/therapist for absolutely no reason at all and was now feeling slightly embarrassed about it.

She always felt like she was being hit by a brick wall when Derek let his feelings fly. They were always powerful and heavy and this time was no exception.

"I'm glad you're feeling this way. Doctors struggle with the humanity concept. You knew right then and there, when you found out it was her, you found your true key to humanity. Loving Meredith. What did you do when you found out she'd been part of the explosion?" She asked, choosing her words carefully. Truthfully, she knew exactly what he'd done.

"I went looking for her when I came down. I ran into Addison instead. So I waited until I knew she'd be off and I went to see her at home. We talked." He told her, his explanation vague.

She hated that she knew what his evasive explanation meant. She knew it meant he was hiding something, something he didn't want her to know, usually because he thought it would hurt her.

"You need to be straight with me. You can't speak to me like I'm your ex-wife right now. You need to speak to me as a psychologist." She informed him, her voice stern.

"The conversation wasn't long. More than anything, I had to see her, I had to be in her presence, I needed that feeling. I was going to go, make it fast, but she stopped me. She couldn't remember our last kiss. She said it was her last thought when she thought she was going to die. It was mine too. I didn't tell her that, but our last kiss, our last real moment together, was my first thought when I found out she might die. It was my first thought when I thought she had died. So there she was standing in front of me, telling me she couldn't remember. I told her… I told her because I had to, I wanted to her to remember, to remember what it was like with us…. I wanted her to know that I remembered. The only thing I didn't know was the scent of her conditioner…. I know that seems insignificant, but it haunted me. She told me what it was. And for that moment, for that small amount of time, that was enough." He finished. He hadn't held anything back, he'd let her have the full blow.

And this time, it was Derek letting Erica process. She exhaled and forced her breathing to remain calm. It was difficult to hear him speak this way. She wanted him to be happy, she truly did, but she wasn't sure if she was ready to hear every little detail of his encounter with her.

_Speak, you have to speak. You have to be professional._ She coached herself back to being able to speak professionally. "You have this moment… How does it affect you now?" She asked.

"I think the better question is, how doesn't it?" He returned, meeting her eyes with his deep blue ones. As soon as she did, she was what he was feeling. She did everything she could to keep from losing it right there. He loved her. He really loved her.

He did have a point. Based on what she'd observed and overheard, it had done more than just affect him. It had consumed him. A surgeon couldn't be consumed with issues like this. They needed to be clear minded. It was no wonder he wasn't operating. He wouldn't be able to keep his mind on the patient long enough. She knew what she had to do.

"Derek. I'm sorry but I can't in good faith clear you for surgery." She told him after several moments.

"Can I ask why?" He asked, his tone tired and frustrated.

"Well, first of all, I don't think it would do any good, seeing as you'd still be following Meredith around, avoiding your job. And secondly, because you need your mind to be free of clutter. You're responsible for human lives. Quite a few of them, and you shouldn't be operating when you can't get this predicament out of your head." She informed him, writing up her evaluation to Dr. Webber.

"When can I return to rotation?" He questioned as she stood up, him following her actions.

"When you pick one." She said as she held the door open for him.

MEANWHILE IN DEREK'S OFFICE

"Beth!? Have you seen Dr. Shepherd's copy of the Schaeffer chart? I need to update it." Addison called to the young nurse milling around near Derek's office. Halle Schaeffer was a 3 month old patient with spinal cord damage from a car accident. She and Derek had been treating the little girl for 2 days so far.

Truth be told, Derek had barely looked at the child. It had been mostly Addison's case, with little input from Derek. He knew, despite his current state of mind, that it wasn't right to ignore the child, so he'd taken his copies and stashed it in his briefcase to review that evening. He'd dropped his briefcase off in his office before his session with Erica.

"I saw him putting something in his briefcase as he was walking into his office. And I didn't see him walk out with it." She dutifully reported.

Addison nodded and headed into her husband's office. Sure enough, his briefcase was sitting on his chair, unopened. She strode over to it, new paperwork to add in hand and pulled it open.

After sifting through, she found the copied chart and pulled it out. Right away, she noticed it felt heavy, heavier than the whole chart, even with the new papers she was about to add.

She dropped the papers on his desk, rifling through them. All of it was the case. Just as she was about to drop it back in, her fingers hit a staple. A staple that didn't go through the patient's information. She closed her fingers around the stapled papers and pulled it out.

"Writ of Divorce" Was printed at the top of the page. "Divorce?" She muttered. One quick look at the first page told her they weren't their divorce papers. She flipped to the back page and froze. One name… One named jumped off the page… _Dr. Erica W. Shephard…_


	19. Better Than Me

Thanks for sticking with me! We're almost done folks!!

Aftermath

Chapter 19: Better Than Me

Addison snapped her jaw shut and tucked the papers under her arm and made a beeline for Erica's office, Derek was with her for his appointment at the moment and they should be close to finishing up.

Sure enough, as she rounded the corner, she saw the two of them standing in his doorway.

"Discussing your divorce settlement!??!" She snapped, whipping the papers at them.

Derek's blood ran cold at the words his wife spat at them.

"Addison, please, let me explain." He told her, begging her to listen.

"There is no explaining! You've been married to her for over 14 years and you want me to let you explain!?! That time has come and gone!!" She snapped, her arms folded in front of her.

"This wasn't his fault. This wasn't anyone's fault. It was a simple glitch in the system, a mistake really. It's not like we've known all along!" Erica protested, holding her ground despite Addison's increasing anger.

"If it was so simple, how come nobody felt the need to tell me?! I'm surprised you even signed the papers Derek, considering how much you still love her!!" Addison spat, unable to keep her feelings to herself. She didn't care. She was hurt and pissed off and felt justified in her actions.

Derek and Addison continued their yelling match as Erica slowly backed away from it. She didn't want to be anymore involved than she already seemed to be. As soon as she was out of sight, she made a beeline for Richard's office.

He was alone in his office, seeing as his secretary was at lunch. He looked up when he heard his door open and slam. He made his way out of his office and into the waiting room. He found Erica sitting on the floor in front of the door, breathing heavily.

"Problem?" He asked, his hands on his hips.

"Richard. The shit has hit the fan." She huffed out, fisting her hands on the floor. She looked up, her blue eyes meeting his dark brown ones. She leaned her head back against the door, closing her eyes as she did.

"What did you do?" He asked with a sigh as he sat down on the couch.

"Why do you always assume it's my fault?" She returned, head still leaning against the door.

"Because you're sitting on the floor of my office, pinning the door shut with your body. And because trouble seems to follow you." Richard pointed out.

She winced at his words. "Touché." She conceded with a sigh.

"So what did you do?" He repeated.

"I might've… Sort of… Well, technically, Derek and I were never divorced… Paperwork glitch… We signed and filed new divorce papers… Only Addison just found his copy. She's down the hall yelling at him as we speak." She explained.

The two of them sat in silence, neither one sure what to say. "What… What do you want me to do about it?" Richard asked. He hated that he bended to her so willingly, but he felt a sense of obligation to her, a need to protect her.

She thought a moment. "Nothing. I'm going back to New York. I don't belong here anymore. I'm obviously doing much more harm than good." She whispered, her voice full of despair and regret.

"You don't have to leave. Besides, you still have work left here, don't you?" He asked, not wanting her to leave on this note.

She shook her head. "He was the last one. I wasn't planning to leave this soon, but I can do my post session notes from my office in Manhattan. So I'm just going to go home." She said finally.

He sighed, he knew better than to argue with her once she'd made up her mind. "Fine. That's probably for the best anyways." He agreed. He knew full well she was running from this, but he'd be a hypocrite if he called her on it, considering he'd become quite good at running himself.

She stood, seeming to be at peace with her decision. He followed suit. "Goodbye Richard." She whispered, wrapping him in a hug.

As he hugged the young woman he'd come to think of as a daughter, he knew this time was different.

"This is it, isn't it?" He asked softly. He felt her nod against his shoulder.

"You're just going to leave and not tell anyone?" He questioned, pulling back from her grasp.

"Richard, we've been through this. I don't want anyone to know." She told him, her voice tired but sure.

"He's your ex-husband, he would want to know." Richard protested.

"I'm not doing it. I'm not giving him a reason, a need, to come back to me. If he found out I was sick, he'd do something he'd regret." She replied, pleading with him to understand.

"Damn it Erica. You're not sick! You're dying!" Richard roared, throwing his hands up in the air, clearly frustrated.

"This is exactly why I didn't tell anyone, and why I didn't want to tell you!" She shot back, crossing her arms in front of herself.

"When are you going to stop being stubborn and realize that your pig headed-ness is what started this whole thing??!" He demanded, his voice full of frustration.

"Richard, please! My being stubborn is not why I have Cystic Fibrosis and you know it!!" She shouted back.

"No but your stubbornness is why you didn't get treatment until you were in your mid-twenties!!" He shot back.

He was right on that one and she knew it. She'd had problems practically since birth but she'd never told anyone beyond her parents, she'd been much too independent for her own good, refusing to believe it would make a difference if people knew. She refused treatment until it became too much to handle now it was going to cost her… Her life.

"I made a mistake. I know that. But I can't keep dwelling on that. I'm going to die Richard. Dr. Keaton says I have some time left, and I don't want to spend that time bringing down all the people I care about the most. I'm going to die with dignity and respect." She told him.

He couldn't argue with her. This was her life, this was her decision. If she wanted to handle it this way, that was her choice and he had to respect that. He looked at her and guilt overcame him. He didn't feel right yelling at a woman who wouldn't be here this time next year. _Let it go Richard…Let it go…Let her go._

"Will… Will I be notified?" He asked after a moment.

She gulped. She hadn't expected that. She turned away for a moment as her eyes watered a bit. Finally, she nodded. "Yes. Now, please, just say goodbye to me and know that this will all turn out OK." She whispered.

He wrapped her in a strong hug, tears flowing freely out of his eyes. After he pulled back, she smiled at him through her own tears. "Promise me something." She told him.

"What?" He asked as he let her out of his embrace.

"This is between us." She said softly.

"Erica…." He trailed off, unsure of what to say.

"Richard, I need to be alone… I need to do this myself." She explained.

For this, he had no words. She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. "Goodbye Richard." She whispered and with that, made her exit.

She was out of her office and on a plane within 3 hours. She'd gotten her wish, she got out of Seattle without anyone knowing the awful truth.

Derek had been reamed from one end to the other by Addison. She'd ended with a slap to the face and a spiteful "I'll send the divorce papers over." She'd checked into a hotel hours later.

Now, he sat alone in his office, pondering his life, his women. It was nearly 9 pm, on a Friday night and he was holed up in the hospital. "I need to get away." He muttered to himself.

_I'll go fishing. Get away from it all._ He picked himself up from his desk and hurried home. 2 hours later, he was headed upstate for a weekend of fishing.

TWO DAYS LATER

Derek returned to his trailer feeling much more in control of his life than he had in a long time. He'd done a lot of thinking, a lot of soul searching and he'd finally figured out the path he wanted to travel.

He felt confident as he strode down the hall of the hospital towards Erica's office. He popped the door open and the sight before him brought an unusual taste to his mouth. Her office was empty. Not just of her, but of all her belongings. It was as it was before she took it over several weeks before.

Panic started to rise in his throat. He pulled the door shut and yanked his phone out of his pocket and dialed her. Nothing, it went straight to voice mail. He began questioning nurses, doctors, anyone who was in the immediate vicinity. Nobody had any information. An undeniable feeling of uneasiness was slowly overtaking him. Something was not right.

Unbeknownst to him, Meredith had witnessed his panicked questioning of the staff. She felt her heart start to break off into tiny pieces as he ran around in circles trying to locate the missing ex-wife.

Finally, he had exhausted all options but one. Going to Richard meant giving in, confessing that he thought of her as more than just his therapist, as a bit more than just his ex-wife.

He knocked on the man's door, waiting to be permitted entrance. Not even 5 minutes later, he was sitting across from the chief.

"Derek, what can I do for you?" The man asked as he put some paperwork in the top drawer of his desk.

"Where is she?" He asked, not even bothering to make niceties.

Richard was well aware of why Derek was there, he just wasn't prepared to handle it.

"She's gone." He answered stoically.

"Thank you, I'm aware of that. When and where?"

Richard regarded the man in front of him. He knew it took a lot for Derek to come in there and ask about Erica, especially when he was supposed to be over her. He could relate to the difficulties of letting go of the real love of your life. For him, that had been Ellis. For Derek, it was hard to say who exactly it was… Erica or Meredith…

"She left Derek. On Friday." Richard replied at last.

Derek didn't want to accept that. If he did, it meant she left without telling him, without saying goodbye… It would mean that she'd done it on purpose. And he wasn't entirely sure he could handle that truth just yet.

"Did… Did she say why?" He asked at last. He had so many questions but he knew better than to question Richard over them.

_Why…Why did she put me in this position? I care just as much about Derek as I do her… She knew this wouldn't go well… She knew what she was asking…_ "Derek… She… I'm not supposed to be sharing this sort of information with you." Richard said, his face marred with frustration and concern.

Derek was at a loss for words on this one. He'd never been denied any information when it came to Erica. She was normally an open book. The fact that Richard knew something he didn't, and that he wasn't supposed to know, upset him.

"How is it that you know and I don't? Who did you speak with?" Derek asked, sitting up in his chair.

"Derek… I'm not in a position-" The chief started, attempting to better explain the situation.

"No, I don't care what your position is. I want to know. She's my ex-wife, she's my friend, and I need to know." He finished softly. He hated admitting that, but it was true and sometimes, the truth hurt.

"She's sick Derek." Richard blurted out. _Not the best way to approach that Richard…_

Derek's head shot up. "Sick!!?! What's the matter?!!" He demanded, on the edge of his seat.

"She…She's dying. Advanced Cystic Fibrosis." Richard reported, his voice quiet and somber.

Derek sat back, the full force of the words smacking him in the face.

"Dying? How… When…" Derek had no words, he couldn't even form coherent sentences at this point.

"You need to speak with her Derek. It's not my place to share anymore. I will tell you this though. She didn't want anyone to know, especially you. She wants to do this alone, with dignity and respect. She feels that you knowing would skew your view of her and your feelings and she doesn't want that." Richard continued, wanting Derek to fully understand before jumping in head first.

"What do I do Richard? They deserve better than me… All three of them." He told the other man.

"Derek, I don't have an answer for that. You have to do right by them and by yourself."

"Thank you Richard. I appreciate… I appreciate it all. Can you tell me who's treating her?" Derek asked, standing up to head out.

"Dr. David Keaton. Oh, Derek? A word of advice?" Richard called as he made his way to the door.

Derek turned to meet the older man's wise eyes. He knew he should listen to the old man.

"Before you go to New York, make up your mind." Richard said, knowing Derek would get the meaning behind the simple words.

"I will." Derek told him and with that, he headed out.

_Easier said than done…_ Everything had seemed so clear that morning, he'd known what he was going to do, who he wanted to be with and now, that might be changing.

After getting in touch with Dr. Keaton, he faced a decision. If he stayed in Seattle, he could be with _her_, and if he went to New York, he wouldn't come back.

REVIEW


	20. Right Where I Need To Be

OK, all throughout this story, I've gotten some fantastic reviews. The majority of you aren't big fans of Erica, or the idea of Erica and Derek being together, save for one or two of you. Now I knew going into this story that you guys weren't going to be big fans of her. I didn't expect you to be.

Her purpose was simple; To show you what my perception of Derek was when he was younger. In my opinion, his marriage to Addison is a big part of why he is the way he is. Am I saying there's something wrong with Derek? Not necessarily, I'm just saying he's damaged. He wasn't always this way. There was a time when he wasn't damaged, so I did my best to portray what that might have looked like.

So here's the truth… At first, you may not like my ending. And that's OK, you don't have to. But I have my reasons for what happens below.

Why? Why? Why did I do this?

First of all, I felt like it needed to be addressed… Think back to your first love. Not your first crush or first boyfriend, but your first LOVE. Unless you're one of the lucky few, you're no longer with that person… There are reasons why it didn't work out… Maybe it never even happened…(Mine was in second grade… We recently reconnected, that's unimportant)

But maybe you wish you could go back, change things? Maybe it was bad timing, maybe it was lack of feelings on the side of the other party… For whatever reason, most of us wish we could go back, get that second chance… Most of the time, we don't get that opportunity… But sometimes, we do…

So…. Without further adieu…

Here we go!!!!!

Aftermath

Chapter 20: Right Where I Need To Be

Derek retreated to his trailer to think. He'd been pacing for hours. He had been prepared to let her go… And now she was dying. _She needs to know… She needs to know how I feel._ He felt a pull in his conscious…

_If I go… If I do this… I can't do it because she's dying. I have to do it because I love her, because I want to be with her._ In all honesty, in his heart of hearts, he knew that those sorts of feelings… They'd dimished to an extent… But they'd never gone away fully.

He didn't know why he was giving it anymore thought. He knew what he was going to do. He grabbed his duffle bag and threw a few weeks worth of clothes and other essentials into it. He locked up and threw the bag in the truck and headed to Meredith's.

She'd been off for all of 2 hours, long enough to get home and shower and eat. She was sitting in the living room reading when the door bell rang.

She rose to answer and was surprised at who was on the other side. "Derek." She breathed, trying to keep her heart from leaping into her throat. She didn't have a good feeling about this visit, something in the pit of stomach told her that she wouldn't want to hear whatever it was he had to say.

"Can I come in?" He asked softly, bracing himself against the door jam, his blue eyes probing hers.

She nodded wordlessly, her heart in her throat. _I hate when he stands like that… When he looks at me like that._ She pushed the screen door open and allowed him to pass, inhaling his scent as he walked by. _This is going to be the last time…_

He led her to the living room and he sat down on the couch. She chose to remain standing. She kept her distance, not wanting to get too close to him.

He wasn't quite sure how to begin, but he didn't really have to since she began speaking. "This is goodbye, isn't it Derek?" She asked quietly.

He wasn't too surprised that she'd figured it out. She knew things hadn't been the best between them and he wished it didn't have to end this way.

"She… She's my first love. I'm getting a second chance… I can't let it go by…" He whispered.

"Is it true? Is she really dying?" Meredith questioned quietly.

He figured it had gotten around by now. "Yes. She's got a little over a month left to live, give or take." He replied softly.

_He has to go. He can't stay and live with himself not being there…_ It was a sickening feel deep inside her stomach when she realized the choice Derek was making.

"You… You have to go." She said at last.

He looked at her, unsure of how to take her response.

She sunk into the arm chair across from him… "When you chose to stay with Addison, I told you that you had to try, because you wouldn't be you if you didn't. Remember?" She questioned softly.

He did. He remembered that day, her words, all too well. He loved Meredith, without question and to hear her say those words, it had broken him a little bit on the inside.

"I'm not a fool Derek. I know you want things to be the way they were before you met me, before you married Addison… You want things to be the way they were when you were with Erica. And now, you're getting that chance again… And you should take it. You owe that to yourself." She whispered softly to him.

How badly he wished things were different. A part of him was crying out, telling him not to leave this woman in front of him, that it would a grave mistake, that he'd be alone again in a matter of months…

But this was Erica… The 'right girl wrong time' situation… Next to nobody got a second chance with that situation. And now he had it. It didn't matter how much time he got. He was getting time, that's all that mattered to him.

" I may not…. I may not be back… You shouldn't… You shouldn't wait…" He warned her softly as he stood.

She smiled sadly at him. She stood as well and came to stand in front of him. She reached up and pecked him on the corner of the mouth. "I wasn't planning on it." She whispered before heading upstairs, leaving him standing in her living room.

Three hours later, he was boarding a plane for JFK airport.

9 hours after that, he was standing in front of her apartment. He gazed up at her floor, seeing her light in the corner apartment on. He glanced at his watch. It was late, but it didn't surprise him. She'd always been a night owl. He'd gotten many an email and phone call well after midnight before.

He stepped to the intercom and buzzed. A minute later, her sleep deprived voice responded over the buzzer. "Hello?"

"It's me." He replied over the intercom.

She nearly fell on the floor in shock. The last thing she'd expected was for him to show up. She buzzed him up silently.

3 minutes later, he was standing in her doorway. She was leaning against her breakfast bar, staring him down.

"That's not exactly the greeting I was expecting." He joked lamely as she kept her eyes on him, not saying a word.

"You're not supposed to be here. You shouldn't be here. You're here. You know." She said, her voice low and surprisingly calm. Never a good sign from her.

"Richard told me. But only because I didn't give him a choice." Derek said, attempting to defend the chief.

She didn't say a word, just planted her hands on her hips and raised an eyebrow.

"Ok ok… So maybe he should have kept his word. But I wouldn't have had to brow beat him if you'd have just told me." He pointed out, moving closer to her.

She could always count on him to call her on her shit. He knew her better than anyone else, better than she liked to admit.

"Derek, you know how I am." She said, knowing she didn't need to say more, that he would understand.

"Yes I do. And that doesn't make it right. Just because you are a 'way' doesn't mean it's ok." He chided, moving swiftly past her defenses.

Her expression showed her frustration. She rested her palms on the breakfast bar. "Derek, if you came here to lecture me, save it. We both know it's useless." She reminded him.

"I didn't come here to lecture you. I came here to be here with you." He told her, resting a hand on her arm.

"You can't…. I'm… You're…." She faded off, not entirely sure of what to say… She hadn't been expecting that response.

"I know and I can. I'm here… I'm here because I want to be. I…. I love you and I refuse to let you die alone…." He choked out, unable to keep his emotions in check anymore.

"You… you love me????" She sputtered out. She refused to believe what she was hearing. This wasn't happening. He wasn't giving up his life in Seattle… His life with Meredith… Not all of this for her.

"I love you. I never stopped loving you. I thought I had… But this is it. I can't just pretend I don't care… I do. I want to be with you. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry it's taken all this time to do something about it, but I do… I want to be with you." He told her, his hand squeezing hers.

"What… What about Meredith?" She whispered softly.

The question was coming, he'd known that. But it didn't lessen the sting. If anything, it made it worse, because even in the last month of her life, when she should be giving thought to no one but herself, she still put the happiness of others in front of her own.

"She… She understands how I feel. That I need to be here. That I….. love you." He fumbled out at last.

She pulled away from his grasp, needing to gather her thoughts, and as always, it was next to impossible to do that with him standing so close.

"You walked away from that because your ex-wife of over 12 years is dying?" She asked, her voice soft, yet incredulous.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Damn it, Erica! Why are you making this so hard!!?? I want this chance with you. I need you…. I just….. need you. When I'm with you, I feel like I did when we first got together… I hate thinking about everything that's gone on since then. Don't you get it!?? Everything that's happened since we ended it… Everything that I've done… It's all been because you left me. I've been trying to find that someone, to complete me… To fix me… And I can't… Addison can't… Meredith can't…." He trailed off.

"They aren't supposed to fix you Derek. I'm not supposed to fix you. You have to fix yourself. Only you can do that." She reminded him.

He smiled sadly. "Always with the psychologist hat… Don't you get what I'm telling you…? When I'm with you… I feel like I am complete. I feel like I'm healed." He explained.

"Derek… We can't… I can't let you do this. I'm not going to be here much longer and I won't let you do this. You have love and happiness with Meredith…. And I won't destroy that… Not for you, and certainly not for her." Erica said, standing firm.

He felt his insides crumbling. "I need to be with you… In any way that you'll have me. I need to be here. Can't you just let me? Can't you just let me love you this last time? This last month? Please Erica…" He begged.

Her heart ached as she watched this man in front of her pour his insides out. _Maybe he does actually want to be here… Maybe he does still love me…_

She didn't want to die alone. She was damn terrified of it, in fact. But she was Dr. Erica Wakefield… The woman who feared no one… Nothing… Nothing except death, that is.

"Ok." She said at last, her voice barely above a whisper.

Derek had been expecting every other answer except that one. She'd given in, she'd let him win this one.

He stayed. They spent her last month in Manhattan. She stopped practicing. Every day, they spent together. They ate every meal together. They did everything together.

Everything except sleep together. She refused to let him sleep with her. He slept in the guest room. He might love her, but she wasn't letting his whole life go to pieces when she died. She wasn't going to be responsible for that kind of pain.

At first, Derek saw no changes in her, physically or otherwise. His hopes lifted (foolishly). Maybe she wouldn't die. Maybe he wouldn't have to go on without her.

WEEK 1….

She'd experienced little change… She'd lost a bit of weight, 3 pounds maybe, and her skin had grown a bit paler. She regarded herself in the mirror… This was fixable… She started wearing slightly looser fitting clothing and forced herself to sun herself on the balcony… Not like she was in danger of dying from skin cancer.

She rose before him every morning and eyed her refrigerator warily. She wasn't eating much these days. So she'd have an apple and call it breakfast. But she knew Derek would be all over her if he knew how little she was eating. So she'd get out her cereal bowl and spoon and set them in the sink, fill them with water, make them look used. Then she'd pull out her cereal and dump a little of it into the trash…. Just to be believable.

WEEK 2….

16 pounds… _He's going to notice that…_ She pulled on two shirts and jogging sweat pants. She had no appetite whatsoever. She was setting her alarm earlier and earlier just so she could gather the energy to get up before him.

Her cough was getting worse. She'd been sucking down every cough drop, every throat numbing agent known to mankind, just to keep him in the dark.

WEEK 3….

28 pounds. _Shit…_ "C'mon, spare me a little weight here…" She muttered to the gods above as she began her routine of layering her clothing onto herself. She hadn't kept anything down in 3 days. Sure, she'd sucked down some broth here and there, taken a bite or so of apple, but for the most part, everything she ate, came back up. Luckily, he hadn't figured her out yet. She'd been sick to her stomach for the past week, each day getting worse. But she still piled the clothes on, filled her cereal bowl with water, and sunned herself on the balcony. _Gotta look healthy… Just a little while longer._

WEEK 4…

49 pounds… _I don't own enough clothing to make me look like I weigh 49 pounds more. _She wasn't a fool. She knew she was fighting a losing battle. But that didn't mean she stopped fighting. She was perfectly aware that she had weeks left to live. But she wanted them to be as pain free as possible for him. So that meant doing what it took to keep him happy… For just a few weeks more.

It was the beginning of their fifth week together and for the first time, he was out of bed before her. At first, he thought nothing of it, but when the clock hit 10 am, he stood and walked to her room. He peeked his head in and was shocked at what he saw. Her body was clothe in only a tank top and shorts… She looked horrible. Her body was wasting away to nothing, her arms barely as wide as her slender wrists, her legs thin and bony… Her collar bone jutting out… _How did I miss this???_ Then he saw her clothing piled on the floor. 5 shirts… Two pairs of sweat pants… On her dresser sat at least, 5 different cough remedies… A bottle of tanning lotion beside them…. She'd hidden all the symptoms… All of them.

He heard her stir and he stepped back out of sight, his back to the wall. He heard her stumble to the bathroom, moments later the sounds of her retching echoed through the apartment. His heart skipped a beat and he squeezed his knew what it meant. It was the beginning of the end.

After that, her downward spiral was fast. By the end of the seventh week, she wasn't even able to get out of bed.

It was a Saturday morning when he strolled in with her breakfast. She was staring out the window. "Yell at me." She told him, not looking away from the window.

"What?" He asked, confused as he set her "breakfast" of pills, apple juice and a small cup of oatmeal down on the nightstand next to her.

"Yell at me. Be mad at me. I hid it from you. All of it. For weeks. And you didn't yell. You need to yell. I need you to yell." She explained, her voice small.

"I… I'm not going to yell." He replied softly, standing at the end of the bed.

"Why?" She challenged, her eyes narrowing at the sunlight hitting her face, her hand reaching for the pills on the tray.

"Because it won't change anything and I don't want to fight with you. Not now, and not again." He responded, his voice cracking at the last few words.

She knew he was holding back tears. She knew he didn't want her to see him cry.

"The pharmacy called… My pain killers are ready." She said, giving him the out she knew he needed.

He nodded and moments later he was gone.

As soon as she heard the door slam, she hauled her laptop onto her lap and logged onto American Airlines website and quickly booked two flights.

The first one was one roundtrip from Seattle to New York and back to Seattle. It would leave for New York in two days and would return a week later, date subject to change.

And another one… This on was a one way flight, from New York to Seattle. It was scheduled to head back to Seattle the same day as the first flight.

As soon as she'd done that, she pulled her cell phone off her charger and placed a long distance call to Seattle.

"Erica... Dr. Wakefield…" Meredith trailed off as she heard the woman's voice on the line. This was the last person she'd expected to hear from.

"Meredith. I'm sorry… I know it's odd to hear from me… With Derek being here and all." Erica apologized, feeling bad about how this looked.

"It's ok… I'm actually sort of glad I get to hear your voice…." Meredith replied, cutting herself off before she finished the statement. _She has to have a reason for calling me… She wouldn't call me to gloat or to rub this in my face._

"I want you to come here." Erica blurted out after a few silent moments.

Meredith was speechless. "You… You want me to come there? Why?" Meredith finally stuttered out.

"You should be here. For Derek. I'm… I'm not doing so great… And well… That means he's not doing so great." Erica explained softly, swiping at the tears in her eyes.

"You're his first love… And he's losing you… Of course he's not doing well." Meredith concurred, her voice soft and full of concern and pain. She missed him… God she missed him. But he was a good man. He went to her… After her…

"I want you to be here… He needs you… I need you to know… We…We haven't done anything… Or been together. It's been strictly platonic." Erica informed her, doing her best to keep her voice steady.

Meredith felt tears prick her eyes at the woman's explanation. She was dying and all she was doing was explaining her relationship with him…

"I don't…. I don't think he wants me out there… This… I can't… I don't think…" Meredith tried starting many reasons as to why she shouldn't go, but she couldn't put her words into a coherent sentence.

There was silence on Erica's end for several moments. If Meredith hadn't heard her coughing, she'd have thought she'd hung up.

"Meredith. It's my dying wish." She told her quietly.

_This woman's dying wish is that I come be with him…_ "Ok." She whispered softly, barely audible. She couldn't say no. She couldn't.

Erica relayed the flight information and they hung up.

They went about their "normal" behavior for two days. Monday rolled around and Erica was staring anxiously at the clock. It was 4:45. _She should be here soon._ 15 minutes later, there was a knock on the door.

Derek had been sprawled on the couch he'd moved into her room, reading, lost in his book. The knock had startled him. He shot Erica a look, but her face was mostly hidden by the magazine she was perusing.

He strode to the door and threw it open. Meredith was the last person he expected to see on the other side, but there she was.

His jaw dropped to his chest and his eyes widened. "Hi." She greeted softly.

"Derek, don't be rude. This is still my apartment. I say you have to let her in." Erica said, now standing at the door to her bedroom, leaving heavily on the frame.

He moved to go to her side, to help her back to bed. She stopped him with the snap of her hand. "Don't. I can do it. Both of you, follow me." She told them.

Derek, for once, listened. Meredith followed behind, depositing her bags by the door as she moved.

Once Erica had climbed back into bed, she took the opportunity to attempt to catch her breath. Derek and Meredith could barely watch as she wheezed and coughed her way back to sounding something like normal.

"OK. Now here's the deal. I'm not going to be here much longer. A few days, maybe a week longer. We all know that, we're all doctors here. Derek, I don't want you to be alone. I don't want you to go through this by yourself. I'm not your support, I can't be. I can barely support myself. You need her. You love her. You tell me she understands and she gets it, but you let her go. And I'm not as dumb as you, so I got her back. So here it is kids. My dying wish. My dying wish is for you two to be together. Get married. Have kids. Name one of them after me. Just be happy. You deserve each other. You really do. More than Derek and I do now and maybe even more than Derek and I did 14 years ago. Regardless…. This is what I want. Cause you see, I've made peace with everything else. I've made my peace with the man upstairs. I've come to terms with everything that I've done, that I've accomplished. Everything is wrapped up in a neat little package… Except for you two. I can't wrap up my life… Not unless I know that I'm not breaking you two up. So please, just please, love each other. Think about me, but love each other. Because, right now, I'm right where I need to be." She said, tears now streaming down her cheeks, her skeletal looking shoulders shaking with the sobs.

They said nothing. They couldn't. There was nothing left to say. "I just need a little bit guys." She whispered after a few moments, shooing them out of the room.

They looked at each other and walked out of the room, Derek behind Meredith. As he passed by her bed, he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips. "I do love you." He whispered and walked out, the door shutting with a soft click.

4 days later…. Erica died. She passed away in her sleep, Derek was by her side. Meredith stayed for the funeral.

It took them awhile, but they made it back to Seattle. Manhattan was no longer a city Derek hated. It was the city where he spent the best month of his life, with his first wife… With his best friend. As far as he was concerned, Manhattan was his favorite city.

Derek and Meredith did get married. 3 years later. Meredith gave birth to 3 children. The first two were boys… The last was a girl. They named her Erica Anne Shepherd.

So that's it guys. That's Aftermath. That's my story. I truly hope you've enjoyed and please keep reading my other stories.


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